Ativan helps

Even just that little bit.

I was frantic about this tiny post I had to make for the art-blog I said I'd write for, it was anxiety provoking.

But then I popped my magic little pill, 1/2 mg of peace and quiet. Was able to write.

Two things: one--why don't they give this out like candy. Two--what must it felt like to take 20 mg like my dad did during his death-bed panic attacks?

Unless I eat a whole prescription at once, I suppose I'll never know.

Knot

I've been drinking, and I feel that's ok to say because it's one of my concerns here.

It is what it is. Now I'm closing my eyes. And just typing as it comes out. Feeels good man.

I feel tight, and not in the nineteen fifties way of tight as drunk. Tight as my chest is tight... Over what? Posting on a blog? Anonymously?

Tight. As in pain. As in a knot. sitting in the middle of my chest. When it tightens up, it keeps me from doing the kinds of things I know I can do. This damned knot. Gordion. Or gordian. Knot sure.

Dreams of cutting. Others of cutting the knot. But it seems like unwinding is best. But how to?

endless summer

time.

so much of it.

too much. lost my way, i have.

going to meditation would be good, but i'm sure i'll find a reason not to. for instance, i could kid myself into thinking about doing homework.

there's a laugh.

well, atleast i've been cooking and cleaning. and doing a little writing for myself.

now i'm going to nap. hey, gotta be some benefit to being broke and unemployed

little help?

hey.

been trying to tag my posts this evening.

have the dream of tagging them all.

goes well with wine and punk (gg allin--new obsesion. good one, by the way. if you're into punk, strongly recommend it. if you're into old school rock (read between rock around the clock and elvis, try punk. or, if you're into polka, punk works as well 2/4 time signiture (more england school))).

anyway, rereading posts. lots of typos. some intentional. don't feel like the ones i wrote truely, profoundly drunk should be edited.

unexpurgated here.

anyway, any help on mispelling or typos greatly appreciated

pro cras

I've been putting off working on my advisor's assignment.

I know this is bad. It's been for several reasons. The latest, I coupled my attempts to get in touch with mom with finishing the assignment. But I've done that.

The worry, she'd respond immediately. And in a way that would get me all riled up such that I couldn't work on it.

But there's no response. Meaning she's either thinking about it, or she's away from the email. I can't decide.

But there's a third alternative--she's giving back to me what I was giving to her.

Which is possible.

And I don't know what's worse, a response or no.

Anyway, it leaves me with no excuses other than I have some problem with the assignment, which I do...

I'm afraid. Afraid it's not good enough.

Well, time to face those fears.

Oh, the review

yeah. it went pretty well. tried to cull some of the things i'm never going to do.

was moderately successful.

projects: 60

someday-maybe: 350

todo: 140

I know those numbers are a little high, but I've been procrastinating.

On to the paper for my advisor.

And substance abuse. I know I haven't been posting on that lately. It's because I haven't been able to aford it.

speaking of porn

no bidets over there, but pornhounds has an excellent set of girl copy examples.

even if you don't really go for this kind of thing, it's not terribly explicit, and hysterical.

twice

so, i get this statistical report every week, letting me know things about the readers, like ssns, credit card numbers, sexual orientations, astrological signs, that sort of thing.

but it also tells me if people are searching and find my blog what they are searching for. not surprisingly, gtd and unemployed gtd are up there.

but also is bidet porn. not once, but twice.

wacky world we live in. i don't even think i've seen a bidet in real life. but now i know what my next letter to barely legal is about.

the novel that goes no where

it's all about how slow blogspot is.

and i write it here so that i never write it anywhere else.

yes, that's right, this is my garbage can.

cry down

can't help it.

can't stop talking about him. taught me to read. in a history class, no less.

i know i bore you to tears with hugh miller.

well, to go onto a new topic.

the new novel.

it's about a new york apartment building. during the time of aids. and all these artsy people, who can't pay their rent.

seems genius. why hasn't anyone done it yet. even as a musical.

but that was cynic. and all the stars watching us. and what do we do. the hardest thing is to turn words into more than that. and by we, i don't include myself.

dick and kant

i mean, common. it just writes itself.

how can it not be my first comp lit paper.

Beer in the afternoon

Well, don't I feel accomplished. Got the dread letter out. Got Latex working on the ol' machine (2 kinds--Lyx and something else)...printed envelopes---that's something.

Now, if only I'd work on my homework. We'll see.

girl copy

well, found this person writing on the internet, oddly enough.

he was reminiscing about writing girl copy back in the day. intrigued, i wrote him an electronic mail. asking is it possible to write girl copy these days.

well, he got back to me--and though possible, unlikely.

so i thanked him, said i'd follow his advice (be professional and sane) and get back and say how it all worked out.

well, he wrote me again. i guess even ex-pornographic writers get lonely.

coffee cream and whiskey

seems about right right now.

little wake me up put me down juice.

don't mean to brag, but all in all, this is not bad writing.

sure, some miss. probably most. but a few gems. for the few.

well, if you're listening. if you've got your ears on, here's to us.

and all you other players.

better hustle. and that goes for us all.

my dream comp class description

Writing for fun.

This class is extremely experimental.

It breaks down like this. The first third of the class is a series of experiments in writing unlike any other writing class you've ever taken. All response from the instructor will be positive.

The second phase, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignments with experiments. Again, all comments from the instructor will be positive.

In the last third, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignment with traditional ones, but the emphasis will be on traditional ones. Comments made by the instructor will be possitive and constructive criticism.

So, you'll get less of the ''hard knocks'' approach to writing. so some may say you will not learn enough. you certainly won't learn things like what a comma splice is, but it's this instructor's theory that it will work anyway.

And the danger is that you'll be wasting time doing extraneous stuff (according to traditionalists) for much of the term.

but hey, it's writing, and i think it's fun. maybe when you leave, you'll think so to, even if you get a bad grade.

caveat: for those in danger of failing, outside one-on-on tutorials will be made available, depending on your time (initially) and my time (ultimately).

this class is for writers of all levels, but favors those who are self-starters. those who are willing to do more work than is strictly necessary just to fulfill the formal requirements of the class.