the hole

well, aside from a few as yet unacounted expenses (internet bill, various fees, dry cleaning i may or may not have, drugs i need to pay the co-pay on, that sort of thing), the hole is not as big as i feared, $4,446.81.

add on maybe $200 more for thing left unaccounted, maybe a couple hundred to get through the month and i'm only looking at 5 grand. plus about 50k in student loans.

it doesn't look too bad, really.

doable.

and if there is an edge

well, that's just the way things roll.

yes, i'm angry.

and wouldn't you be. if things went the way things have been going for me. just one fucked up thing after another.

and i know that i haven't been dealt the worst hand.

yet it's trying me. i haven't been telling that many people this lately, but it's just too much for me.

too much humanity.

and maybe i deserve it. maybe it's just my deserts.

and i don't even know what to say.

man, is it right?

fuck right.

is it....

well, fuckit.

there ain't nothing to say.

and that just gets me madder.

mad as a hatter, this one.

and i don't give a good god damn if you...

well, all i can ask for is absolution.

all i can ask for is grace. and it's grace, in it's purist form. smacking me in the face.

all that comes my way is grace.

Days of Rage

Days of Rage

It's just been one thing after another.
These have been days of rage.
Brother.

I've lost so many friends and loves.
Paring it down to the divine core, the
love that passeth understanding. The
unbought grace of life for this sinner.

and peace be with you as with me as
we strive to make this hellish fallen
world into very heaven.

But more than anything
i'm bored with this life.

good morning

first day of freedom.

kind of looking forward to meeting with the lawyer. will be good to start so i can get this out of the way.

glad i thanked everyone. it's a nice feeling.

so will cleaning the apartment. then i really feel like i can begin to feel better--get the files in shape, that sort of thing.

well, better get moving.

it ssucks.

if te union thing doesn't work out.

another semester. probably another year without funding. without healtcare.

paying fordrugs out of my pocket.


hand to mouth.

begging for money.

not that i'm not used to it.

but to get hopes of freedom so high.

dashed.

and even if it works, it's a matter of time before they find a way of deleting me perminantly.

but it's my best shot.

so i have to take it.

altered states

there's really not too much more to take away.

close to the bone, these days. lets see:

drugs
alcohol
therapy
brother
sister
friends
school
free time
freedom
reading
eyesight

i guess there's more than i thought