Ativan helps

Even just that little bit.

I was frantic about this tiny post I had to make for the art-blog I said I'd write for, it was anxiety provoking.

But then I popped my magic little pill, 1/2 mg of peace and quiet. Was able to write.

Two things: one--why don't they give this out like candy. Two--what must it felt like to take 20 mg like my dad did during his death-bed panic attacks?

Unless I eat a whole prescription at once, I suppose I'll never know.

off ativan and other difficulties

I screwed up my insurance, because I didn't register until just yesterday.

An emergency loan I thought I'd paid came back to haunt me. But I only had to go three places before I found the right one, and they let me differ the loan until my student loan comes in. Soon, I hope.

I am bouncing back from difficulties earlier, trying to tackle things early. With limited success.

Facing demons--it's useful, I suppose just from a practical point of view, but it does make life easier, but it doesn't make me feel better, only worse.

I'm getting the picture of how fracked-up my life is. All the things I've ignored and screwed up for so long.

I'm beginning to see how it's been years I've struggled with myself. Years I've lost just trying to get back to where I was before I was diagnosed.

It really took a lot out of me and I should be honest about it.

Grad school and bipolar have been like a one-two hit--a combination that's really put me back.

Staggering now, I hope there's still time left in this fight to win. But I've lost too many rounds.

And I feel ambivalent about this post, though I am beginning to realize things about myself.

feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

man do i wish i had that ativan

so, i need to have five bucks before sunday so i can refill the lamictal.

and i need fifteen for the ativan before they send it back. it'd be real embarrasing to tell the psychiatrist i couldn't pick it up because i didn't have the money.

wonder if he'd believe me.

i don't know if i believe me.

trying to get a handle on the finances. got gnu money, which, aside from some minor annoyances--which i'm sure are my fault, seems sweet.

but it produces anxiety like a mofo. to see where you stand, how many thousands you owe.

and all my dreams of the vacation melt into air, to steal from berman stealing from marx.

Fits and Starts

it's not why i do it, but readers seem to come and go in fits and starts.

which is fine. again, it's not why i do it. i don't even know why i started, but it feels natural.

i've always been writing for the big Other. even in my personal journal--private stuff. always revising, always improving.

it feels good. somedays, when i'm breaking down, it feels like i've taken a bottle of ativan afterwards. not what i expected.

still, it will be nice when someone follows, when someone leaves comments.

nervous and i've got no ativan

well, the day went.

and after i left i did two things.

i sent an email thanking everyone i work with. they really have been tremendous.

and i sent my boss en email asking him to send me a letter explaining why he fired me.

now i'm going to check my email. see if he sent anything.

and i don't think he has, but i'm nervous.

this is hard

ugh.

yesterday, went in to the boss's to talk. because he didn't tell me what he wanted from me.

which is cool and everything. i just want to finish on a high note.

so i made him tell me.

and i asked what the last day was. he said it should be in my documentation, which i am sure of, but i got the feeling he hadn't even thought of it.

my last day is friday.

i know that leaving is hard under any circumstances. and better pull it off like a bandaid than let it drag on, but this is hard.

going to save the ativan for when i walk in the door.

yeah, a lot of posts (redux)

sorry.

gotta shut up.

but this one, this one rocks me.

last time i was major manic---and it was...interesting. some things totally awesome. some insights i will carry forward. but, being type two, the lows. dangerous. yet i held them together.

which makes me want to get off the drugs entirely.

not that i think i'll ever be free of the symptoms.

i'll have those episodes. i just believe that the drugs will help me learn lessons necessary for the management of them.

i know from my experience of ativan when to speak and when to be silent. and i used to have a problem with that. not that i disagree with sorrentino's critique of the strong and silent type "silence is the lid of a garbage can".

nough said

going to do a number

of course, without dope.

or the illegal kind, anyway.

doing some seroquel, ativan and lamictal. all wrapped around lovely tobac.

my friend.

so it should do a number on me.

ce la vie.

nonesuch

love conquers all

trite truism.

and that's all she wrote.

these things suck. time to smoke some ativan.

Sorry

I suppose (interweb down; can't check) last few posts incomprehensible.

Sorry. Smoked a little bit of ativan last night.

Actually smoked a LOT of ativan.

And on booze, which i'm not supposed to do.

Well, i'm alive.

Maybe Next Time

Hey.

Guess I don't need the salutation, but I'm still new to this whole thing.

Well, didn't make it out of town today. Ipod died on me, right after lunch (which was rather kickass--went to the peruvian chicken place. Awesomebinladen)

Anyway, chillin. Some death metal (death) just popped up on shuffle and i'm thinking i'm going to leave it on.

use to listen to this every morning before going to caddy. made good money, but... well, let's say that golf doesn't always bring out the best in people. but i had my life threatened only once, so all in all a good experience.

one to grow on.

Well, not much more than that. watched a bad movie. napped, which was totally sweet, and now just sittin, trying like a mofo not to tweak, and trying not to pop an ativan because the therapist says shouldn't drink on it, and i'm sitting here chilling with a glass of pino.

such is life.

is clonopin different in this respect? because pdoc (not sure i'm using this correctly) says that we may start on that because, hey, who doesn't need another psychoactive pharmasutical (can't believe I spelled that right) these days.

so enjoy the weekend. unfortunately today is overcase--yesterday was the best day of the summer and it was nice to be out on the island to see it.

well, signing off. for now. best.

Fwd: Just got threw with the therapist

And awe, doesn't he just make you feel better.

By reminding you of your thinly vailed rage.

But hey, it's been trying.

Sorry for the vagueness of the last post. Going through it with the last girlfriend. Just leave it alone...wish I could always remember that one. Ativan, take me away; just not today.