Looking at my application

I just had to fill out an application for a job.

You know the kind where you have to put how much money you've made and how much you'd like to make?

Well, there are big differences between the two for me. And it looks totally crazy. Because I list my stipends from school--which are like half salaries.

But without explaining it includes tuition and the like, it looks like I made less than minimum wage.

Together with the references--I fucked up and put the same people I put for supervisors--I must look totally insane.

Ah, the indignities of looking for employment.

Couple this with my anxiety of asking for the money I think I need, which seems astronomical to me... I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it.

And crazy stress dreams.

It got so bad I went for a run this morning at five. And that was mortifying too. I haven't been running in a year and I smoke close to a pack a day. One and a half miles nearly killed me.

When I was manic, I could run seven miles six times a week and still smoke.

Ah, the joys of mania.

Unemployed Man's Blues

This job stuff sucks.

I just figured out that, with loans, I need to make about 40k per year, figuring on 35% tax, which might be low, considering I live in the city.

Who on earth is going to pay me that. Maybe I can move into some sort of shared-apartment. Pay less rent. Maybe $500 less? I pay almost $1200 for my studio. Find some living situation to share and pay something like $750--seems possible. I'd save lots of money.

Then there's the thing like requirements--adobe suite. I know nothing of this, yet I must pretend to.

What if I asked for $42,000-$45,ooo.

I don't even know why I'm thinking about these things. It's not even like they're going to give me an interview.

And if I ever do find a job that pays me enough to live, I'll probably fuck it up due to general incompetence.

Looking for a job

So let me know if you have one. I'll take it.

I've been sending out resumes over the interweb, and I've gotten so that I don't get nervous when I send them.

That part's down, mostly since I figure I'll never hear from these people again.

The automated applications are the worst--takes forever to fill out and you can be sure that a machine will almost certainly eliminate you before a human being sees your resume.

Anyway, I've gotten two responses today, which makes me nervous. Shaking. Talking on the telephone is not easy for me.

I guess it's a good thing.

Still, don't get hopes up.

This sucks

I feel so terrible.

In some ways, worse than when I lost the job.

But really, I should be happy.

I tried.

Both the job and getting it back. Really, I did nothing wrong. If someone else did what I did, I'd be happy for them.

But I feel so ashamed of myself. And so guilty.

I feel like someone hit me.

Not a good experience when I'm about to go and disclose my madness to my advisor.

sorry i dropped the ball a little bit

haven't been posting lately.

been busy. had that interview for my grievance. remember when i lost my job? well, it went pretty well, but don't have much hope.

well, gotta run. gotta see this girl i'm dating. it's going pretty well. and good god damn she's sexy.

see you on the flipside.

feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

another day

as usual, the therapist gave me some things to think about. says i don't deserve this--rings true, no one deserves this. but all to many people live it.

i'm playing games with poverty. i don't have to live like this. resources are available. if i feel like i deserve it.

i wonder when i'll turn it around.

i think a lot about my case on friday. want to say something like:

i'm grateful i even got a chance. but in the grand scheme of things, this is barely a speed bump. i'll get by with or without your help. and you can make this waste of time meaningful by helping me out. the ball's in your court.

i've got nothing but time. and if this road doesn't take me where i want to go, i'll look into other options. i've got the time and it'll be well worth it to feel i've made my best effort. but the real deal is to live well. and i'm already half way there. i've got no ill will towards you people.

never had.

down because no date

so, that stripper i picked up on sunday...she stopped calling me back.

don't know what happened. care to believe she lost her phone.
well, don't worry it. there will be strippers in your future. no doubt.

and maybe i can pick up that girl i talked to over the telephone... much easier to do when unaccompanied by a stripper.

but it's interesting. didn't seem to bother me that's what she did. we all do something, and you kid yourself if you think you're not trading your ass...

an unpleasant thought. well, maybe you're doing what you love. and if not, there's always your free time to do it.

Delivery Confirmation

So, sent off that letter to the president et alii.

We'll see what happens. Not too optimistic. But feels good to move on this, and at least I have my bases covered, should I need it.

Now to find a job, which doesn't look good either.

letter

so i drafted a letter i'm sending to the president of the university.

seems i don't even have to file a grievance, just send a letter asking for a meeting. which doesn't seem to improve the situation or anything.

still, it's a chance to use certified mail!

Exhaustion

and the wine store doesn't even open for another 17 minutes.

wanted a glass, or a bottle with lunch.

just cleaning, which you can do drunk because you work off the booze.

like i've said before, only work and company seem to please me. and there's no more work, save working for myself.

and the wages aren't too good these days.

maybe they'll improve.

it's unfair, but the world is unfair

i was told that i could retain my position if things turned around.

yet my responsibilities have been taken away from me by others.

i was never given a chance.

union does

just talked to my steward... he made a really good point. the best way to really get these guys is get the job back, do good work, pretend nothing happened.

make them regret it.

well, off to lunch. wonder what errands i'll run today.

On the train

Wow. Done work come friday. What is that, a week's notice?

I'd have given atleast two, but who am I.

Well, that's life. Wonder whose going to replace me. But that's not my problem

posting away like i'm unemployed

so, had a nightmare.

daymare, really.

woke with a start. sleeps been screwed up lately. have had alarm issues.

was fired in part for this.

so. feeling like i've had too much sleep. feel almost rested.

so i know something's wrong.

get up, look at the clock. damn. missed the train, again.

then i remembered. it's the weekend.

gosh, loosing this job is screwing me up.

yeah, a lot of posts

so, the shelving is not going.

i'm too wrapped up in this.

but back to pleasurable work.

oh, the trials and tribulations of the graduate school.

you turn what is for others a pleasure into a job.

I just lost my job

There goes funding, tuition and healthcare.

And the doubts crawl in. Am I kidding myself? Will I ever earn a degree?

And the thought of not finding another position. After a search. After so much disappointment.

I mean, I can't even spell.

And another year without a position. So much debt, for what?

No vacation now.

Permanent vacation.

I don't think I can go on unemployment while in school.

But i'm going to give it the old college try.

But i'm afraid.

Missed the train

So i'm going to bw late to work, but not too late.

Well, that's just how we roll.

A little frightened to see what I posted last night.

Well, I guess that's just how we roll.

Almost out of here

I'm supposed to be here for another twenty five minutes...but I'm leaving in 10.

Bored at Work

Yeah, I probably new this was going to happen.

Doing nothing leads to boredom. But that's no reason why I should do things associated with my job!

I've got some david allen audio--maybe digitize some notes and listen to the master. Though, i find (and probably could predicted that) it's not as jam-packed as GTD.

Well, what are you going to do. Still, there are scraps there which make the filtering worth while.

Yet, boy is the interweb full of crap.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been thinking about the tone of this blog.

At first, I wanted it to sound more like the blogs I admire.

But then, thinking about it, the pseudo--personal style of these things began to bother me, especially when I though about writing that way.

And although I had problems at first writing such personal stuff, I've since made some peace with it. I figure, if you don't like it, don't read it.

And there's more than enough non-personal stuff here--whether or not it's helpful, well, that's another issue.

And I like that posts tend to vary in length. Sometimes, all you want is a sentence, and other times, the whole loaf.