prepping for therapy

Do you do this?

I feel like I need an hour of things to say, so I think about what the therapist and I are going to talk about.

Which is difficult when you haven't done anything.

I didn't even go to class yesterday.

I know I'm not making enough of an effort.

I just don't feel like it. Which is a horrible excuse.

I feel like I'm already ready to leave school.

feel bad, thinking of drinking

Against the recommendation of the therapist, I'm thinking of drinking tonight.

Haven't done it in a while, and I'm off the abilify--ran out. Feels bad, man.

It's like quiting smoking but smoking doesn't feel better when I do it.

I know, I have lots of bad habits.

Maybe I'll drink for a bit and tell y0u how it's going. I fear it won't go well, but I miss it.

not really sure why i haven't been posting

i guess i feel like i don't have much to say.

which isn't exactly so. i'm the kind of asshole that could talk for years on a deserted island. even if there were no smoke monster.

and something humiliating but interesting did happen on monday. therapist lent me some cash, because i'm out.

and it sucks.

again.

and i thought we both wanted me to start the new meds--abilify. needed thirty bucks to get it. and we talked for a long time about it. made me feel better then, but not so good now.

then there's the procrastination. fear compounded, at this point. maybe finish up with the novel i'm reading for the nth time. then work? cleaning? baking?

we'll see.

looking for a lacanian

well, i called columbia psych.

might as well do it right if you're going to do it at all. especially with the head shrinkers.

hopefully, they'll find me one that takes my insurance.

Mom's getting help

I try not to read the things mom sends me.

too upsetting.

but she wrote me that she's made an appointment with her old therapist, dr. phil--not the abusive one from tv--and i'm very glad. for her and for me.

i'm sure that there will be more outbursts of anger from her and from me, but these are the kinds of things you have to work through, as you well know.

take care.

School-the forgotten country

It's been so messed up lately, I can't remember the last time I did school work.

Which is very bad. Exams get closer each day and I fall further behind each day.

I just need a little peace and quiet. But it doesn't feel like that will ever happen.

Enough complaining for now--going to bitch to the therapist later.

Fwd: Just got threw with the therapist

And awe, doesn't he just make you feel better.

By reminding you of your thinly vailed rage.

But hey, it's been trying.

Sorry for the vagueness of the last post. Going through it with the last girlfriend. Just leave it alone...wish I could always remember that one. Ativan, take me away; just not today.