off ativan and other difficulties

I screwed up my insurance, because I didn't register until just yesterday.

An emergency loan I thought I'd paid came back to haunt me. But I only had to go three places before I found the right one, and they let me differ the loan until my student loan comes in. Soon, I hope.

I am bouncing back from difficulties earlier, trying to tackle things early. With limited success.

Facing demons--it's useful, I suppose just from a practical point of view, but it does make life easier, but it doesn't make me feel better, only worse.

I'm getting the picture of how fracked-up my life is. All the things I've ignored and screwed up for so long.

I'm beginning to see how it's been years I've struggled with myself. Years I've lost just trying to get back to where I was before I was diagnosed.

It really took a lot out of me and I should be honest about it.

Grad school and bipolar have been like a one-two hit--a combination that's really put me back.

Staggering now, I hope there's still time left in this fight to win. But I've lost too many rounds.

And I feel ambivalent about this post, though I am beginning to realize things about myself.

Support

Hi all.

I went to a bipolar support group in Manhattan.

Wow.

My head was spinning after I left.

Good people. Both supportive and scary. If that's the future, I'm in trouble.

But it was nice to hear other people's problems. And nice to hear I wasn't alone with my own problems.

Some were very intense.

I feel a little awkward talking about specifics, because it's other people's lives here. Maybe I'll just leave it alone.

found some cool blogs

was searching for some good blogs.

found some new to me:

wild abandon

bipolar supporter blog

bipolar happens

bipolar connect (this one seems more technical/advicey)

pendulum.com

let me know if you know other ones.

i keep worrying

worrying that my family will find this.

they say you only have to give nine markers and you are identifiable. i've given off more than that.

who else is single, manic-depressive, abuses substances (wine and beer today), is organized via gtd, broke, lonely.

well, here's to you should you figure it out.

another already?

well, yes.

called everyone in the phonebook, left messages. must want to say something.

But this is important.

tobacco.

And something like 75-90 per centum of us smoke, so here goes.

I handroll. The options are not as limited as you might believe, even stopping by the local bodega, there's choices.

What do i smoke these days? well, i cycle (ha ha).

The old standby, drum, i don't do much of anymore. Used to be jester, but can't remember the last time. do sampson from time to time. bally shag more frequently.

but i've got some new stuff, which is both cheaper and awesomer. it's Peter Stokkebre. Awesome smoke. made in denmark, so you know it's good.

mostly get the shag cut, but admire the straight cut when the tobac's right.

Anyway, Stokkerbrye--it's a darn fine smoke. even, a little rich. tobac's a beautiful deep brown and rolls smooth and tight. and it's moist. not only because the local tobacconist keeps it in the humidor, but it's sealed that way.

of course, the all time heavy weight champion is old holborne. but good luck finding that. last i checked, a bag from england went for something like fifty quid. ouch.

still and all, once i'm flush (if ever) going to order me up some (and insure the stuffing out of it). because it's such a fine smoke.

if you can lay your hands on it, do. you won't regret it.

well and all, all things come to an end. such as this post.

may peace be with you. and may you find love that passeth all understanding.

Stolen from BiPolar Etcetera

"Bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnostic category describing a class of mood disorders in which the person experiences clinical depression and/or mania, hypomania, and/or mixed states. The disorder can cause great distress among those afflicted and those living with them. Left untreated, bipolar disorder can be a disabling condition, with a high risk of death through suicide."

"The difference between bipolar disorder and unipolar disorder (also called major depression) is that bipolar disorder involves both elevated and depressive mood states. The duration and intensity of mood states varies widely among people with BiPolar disorder. Fluctuating from one mood state to the next is called "cycling". Mood swings can cause impairment or improved functioning depending on their direction (up or down) and severity (mild to severe). There can be changes in one's energy level, sleep pattern, activity level, social rhythms and cognitive functioning. Some people with Bipolar disorder may have difficulty functioning during these times."

- Wikipedia.org

Thanks man. After all, bad poets borrow, good poets steal.