sorry i dropped the ball a little bit

haven't been posting lately.

been busy. had that interview for my grievance. remember when i lost my job? well, it went pretty well, but don't have much hope.

well, gotta run. gotta see this girl i'm dating. it's going pretty well. and good god damn she's sexy.

see you on the flipside.

feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

another day

as usual, the therapist gave me some things to think about. says i don't deserve this--rings true, no one deserves this. but all to many people live it.

i'm playing games with poverty. i don't have to live like this. resources are available. if i feel like i deserve it.

i wonder when i'll turn it around.

i think a lot about my case on friday. want to say something like:

i'm grateful i even got a chance. but in the grand scheme of things, this is barely a speed bump. i'll get by with or without your help. and you can make this waste of time meaningful by helping me out. the ball's in your court.

i've got nothing but time. and if this road doesn't take me where i want to go, i'll look into other options. i've got the time and it'll be well worth it to feel i've made my best effort. but the real deal is to live well. and i'm already half way there. i've got no ill will towards you people.

never had.

letter

so i drafted a letter i'm sending to the president of the university.

seems i don't even have to file a grievance, just send a letter asking for a meeting. which doesn't seem to improve the situation or anything.

still, it's a chance to use certified mail!

pleasantly buzzed, latexing

well, i don't mean the plastic kind, if that's right.

i mean document processing. how boring. but if you don't latex, you should.

it's fun.

so, got a call from the rep. no grievance needed. just a letter via certified mail.

well, here goes. fewer words, the better.

so i'll be concise. as opposed to here.

slow day

i know i haven't been posting the way i have been.

can't keep it up forever.

but i guess it's going ok. met with the lawyer today, discussed my grievance. doesn't sound good, but doing it anyway.

he seems cool. thorough. like him. trust him. seems upfront, active.

need to be more like that. have been, lately..

other than than, not much. have a date saturday. looking forward to it.

well, time to sack out.

perhaps more tomorrow.

good morning

first day of freedom.

kind of looking forward to meeting with the lawyer. will be good to start so i can get this out of the way.

glad i thanked everyone. it's a nice feeling.

so will cleaning the apartment. then i really feel like i can begin to feel better--get the files in shape, that sort of thing.

well, better get moving.

if nothing else

i left this job the way that i wanted.

gracious. polite. expressing gratitude. and i fooled at least one person.

and if this union thing goes nowhere, at least i have that.

and if it does, they have some explaining to do.

nervous and i've got no ativan

well, the day went.

and after i left i did two things.

i sent an email thanking everyone i work with. they really have been tremendous.

and i sent my boss en email asking him to send me a letter explaining why he fired me.

now i'm going to check my email. see if he sent anything.

and i don't think he has, but i'm nervous.

it's unfair, but the world is unfair

i was told that i could retain my position if things turned around.

yet my responsibilities have been taken away from me by others.

i was never given a chance.

union does

just talked to my steward... he made a really good point. the best way to really get these guys is get the job back, do good work, pretend nothing happened.

make them regret it.

well, off to lunch. wonder what errands i'll run today.

so borring these days

well. another day, another dollar.

work was fine. didn't do shit.

took my spanish exam. seemed easy, but know i mixed up the perfect and the preterite. well. can't win them all. and the nice thing about the romanticists (linguistically speaking), they don't know the difference between tense and aspect. it's all past to them.

so maybe it will be ok. if not, then i'll look at tense and take it again. because that was the only thing tripping me up.

else, all is well.

certainly mad

Whew. Just got through going through the emails I've sent over the past few months of employment.

I really made an effort to be professional--to follow up on everything I did.

It would have been nice if these jokers could have been professional as well

On the train

Wow. Done work come friday. What is that, a week's notice?

I'd have given atleast two, but who am I.

Well, that's life. Wonder whose going to replace me. But that's not my problem

dead man walking

so, made it into work. a little late.

and not too much to do. web ga, who doesn't entirely know what she's doing has picked up some of the slack.

and on my own front, i've gotten in touch with the union, and what do you know--my old buddy mike is in charge of that these days.

excellent.

i hope this works, somewhat. even if i only get a pyrric victory out of this one, it'll be worth it.

and i'll attend no meetings without union representation.

Days off

Took a couple of days off from blogging.

Needed to unplug, get away (of sorts).

Mostly successful. Saw some movies, read, just relaxed. Alone, which was nice.

Aside from locking myself out again yesterday.

But all is well. Brother had the spare set. Good seeing him, even if only for a few minutes.

Saw psychiatrist--no big changes, just tweaking the meds. wanted to start on abilify, but no dice. not stable enough yet. Maybe in 5 weeks.

Saw psychologist, Jeffery. Good man, that one.

Talked about the job loss and strategies. Going to the union first. I'm in good standings, and what I hope is they can file a greavence and that will keep it going for a couple of days.

I just want to make things difficult for him.

God, how upsetting.

drinking at six in the morning

this is billyburg type behavior.

i haven't seen another human being, sober, since i was fired.

not lonely--something more. deprived. depraved. something like that.

well, you're always here oh, bloggy. dodgey anyway.

wish i knew french.

spanish would be more practical, what with the exam anyway.

which i may fail without feeling anything.

complit. a dream. what i should have been doing, provided i could stand film.

a tall order--where's pete when you need him. dead.

posting away like i'm unemployed

so, had a nightmare.

daymare, really.

woke with a start. sleeps been screwed up lately. have had alarm issues.

was fired in part for this.

so. feeling like i've had too much sleep. feel almost rested.

so i know something's wrong.

get up, look at the clock. damn. missed the train, again.

then i remembered. it's the weekend.

gosh, loosing this job is screwing me up.

even though i love you

i have to admit that this takes away some of the pain.

to confess.

anonymously.

and i have to tell you about how i fucked up the job i had.

i misinterpreted. which is a big mistake, or it used to be, in my chosen life-persona.

it just keeps going on and on, so you might as well skim

i think that the pain of loosing a job will hit me tomorrow.

and i'll be all productive.

if it all works out right, i'll finish shelving. clean the apartment and go running.

and then probably feel so good about myself that i'll call friends to go out drinking and get turned down and get as sauced on my own as i am now.

but the pain will come back.

and what will i do with it? make it productive? change my life?

or sink deeper into self-pity?