depression

I'm sure we all have our own ways of being depressed. Here are a few of mine:

lethargy

numbness

doubt

isolation

insulation

procrastination

playing stupid video games

melancholia

And here are my ways of getting out of it:

medication

movement

seeing friends

cleaning

getting angry at things

The therapist is always saying that depression is anger turned inward. And I believe it. That's one of the things I have to do, stop doing that.

But anger sure can be scary--my own and other peoples.

and if there is an edge

well, that's just the way things roll.

yes, i'm angry.

and wouldn't you be. if things went the way things have been going for me. just one fucked up thing after another.

and i know that i haven't been dealt the worst hand.

yet it's trying me. i haven't been telling that many people this lately, but it's just too much for me.

too much humanity.

and maybe i deserve it. maybe it's just my deserts.

and i don't even know what to say.

man, is it right?

fuck right.

is it....

well, fuckit.

there ain't nothing to say.

and that just gets me madder.

mad as a hatter, this one.

and i don't give a good god damn if you...

well, all i can ask for is absolution.

all i can ask for is grace. and it's grace, in it's purist form. smacking me in the face.

all that comes my way is grace.