Feel like getting drunk

Well, I didn't last night. And it's the weekend. And I don't have any plans. So might as well.

On top of it, thinking of quiting smoking tomorrow. Want to smell clean when I visit the sister on Monday; might as well get a head-start on withdrawal.

And I'm not too upset about the whole job thing. I think it's the power of denial. I just don't want to think about it.

But boy would that have been nice.

feel bad, thinking of drinking

Against the recommendation of the therapist, I'm thinking of drinking tonight.

Haven't done it in a while, and I'm off the abilify--ran out. Feels bad, man.

It's like quiting smoking but smoking doesn't feel better when I do it.

I know, I have lots of bad habits.

Maybe I'll drink for a bit and tell y0u how it's going. I fear it won't go well, but I miss it.

depression

didn't even know that's what's been happening.

just feel listless. melancholy, they used to call it.

there just ain't no pleasure in this life, and i'm too lazy to go to the other one.

and i'm not really that into pain. not that it has to be painful, but it's got to be at least a little uncomfortable.

feel like watching tv and drinking. but no tv and no beer here.

no tv and no beer make coward go crazy.

feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

dieing, one day at a time

but aren't we all.

still, a drink would make it easier.

not that i'm an alcoholic. yet.

but i haven't had one for five or six days. and i'm stressed.

but who isn't.

drinking on a sunday afternoon

alcohol is my drug of choice, but if the next door neighbor could get me some halucinagins, i would not complain.

like them.

well, feeling fine. buzzed. could nap, could watch tv, could sit and listen to nirvana, which i am doing right now.

life is good. it's been good to me.

gin, exercise ball

stretching on a bottle of segrams is intersting.

here's to the last of it. the last rob buck of the morning.

it's nice to drink on the lord's day, in the morning.

wonder...

still find it amazing, after all these years, the greek language grounded in action.

for instance, understand, episteme, epistemology.

what? understanding. standing under what? and are both we and the greeks standing under the same thing?

why under?

why not sitting, as the Buddhist do?

why why?

drinking at six in the morning

this is billyburg type behavior.

i haven't seen another human being, sober, since i was fired.

not lonely--something more. deprived. depraved. something like that.

well, you're always here oh, bloggy. dodgey anyway.

wish i knew french.

spanish would be more practical, what with the exam anyway.

which i may fail without feeling anything.

complit. a dream. what i should have been doing, provided i could stand film.

a tall order--where's pete when you need him. dead.

coffee cream and whiskey

seems about right right now.

little wake me up put me down juice.

don't mean to brag, but all in all, this is not bad writing.

sure, some miss. probably most. but a few gems. for the few.

well, if you're listening. if you've got your ears on, here's to us.

and all you other players.

better hustle. and that goes for us all.

rob bucks

sittin drinkin rob bucks.

never knew how feminine that was. but then again, when you're with an 12'' partner, you notice not much.

here's to tall pete, may he ever roam

so, drinking and posting.

supporse it's better than drunk dialing.

still and all, quiet this weekend. for which i am, i suppose greatful.

maybe not the most heartfelt post. maybe not the most informative.

just me. being. doing. and all the illusions, well. that's just the name of the game.

i miss jill, intolerably. if she would just be a part of my life.

but i understand. so many i've blocked.

so many i'd like to.

but, roll.

and most of all

don't embarrass her.

it just keeps going on and on, so you might as well skim

i think that the pain of loosing a job will hit me tomorrow.

and i'll be all productive.

if it all works out right, i'll finish shelving. clean the apartment and go running.

and then probably feel so good about myself that i'll call friends to go out drinking and get turned down and get as sauced on my own as i am now.

but the pain will come back.

and what will i do with it? make it productive? change my life?

or sink deeper into self-pity?

ok i'm really drunk

and didn't even get through shelging.

but for some reason the distinction between wisdom and its other has come up.

and i choose its other.

which requires some explaining.

how can you argue against wisdom.

well, let me explain.

what really is wisdom. it's the pronouncement of the future consequence in some sort of riddle.

when we can figure it our, then, hey, we've got a bit of future knowledge.

it's the only way that the future can speak to the past.

but i don't believe that this can be counted on regularly.

it's mystical. and unless you believe in a benevolent higher power who micro-manages the universe in this way, it simply doesn't work...


but it does.

and here you're right. it does. but it works in the way that superstition works.

that horoscope was true! i was suppose3d to avoid x and emrbase y.

it's the kind of thing that you recognize the truth of after it happens. much like a fortune cookie.

and this is my essential critique of it.

say every pronouncement oracular--every fortune cookie, every horoscope was accurate. imagine this world.

we've got a direct contact with the devine and all means of access to it are true.

every horror scope, every fortune cookie is accurate is written in few words. yet it applies to the uniqueness of my world. How?

because it concentrates truth into few words. it's the same way that god created the world.

and words are ambiguous. that's why, when you were facing the situation, you did not remember the horoscope. you didn't remember the fortune cookie or wise saying. you just acted. and it agreed or didn't agree with what you were doing. and that's why you later judged if it were true or false.

that's because hororscopes and fortune cookies and wisdom are false. we only recognize how important they are after the fact and then we follow them.

now, it's not like the other solution has its problems. it does. as soon as it is articulated, it's good for that moment. to look back on those pronouncements would be folly.

they're like meat in the case. and if you live out in the happy suburbs you don't have this problem. but some places i've lived, you gotta be aware. don't want to take home spoilt meat.

so, what it leaves you with is the hysteric answer. you're making it up as it goes along.

wisdom is passed along to the ages. it gets venerated. worshiped.

otherwise, you're just a hysteric, a cassandra, yelling out into the world that you feel no one understands.

but some do.

Invisible tonic

So, i know i have this bottle of tonic somewhere.

because when i'm sober, i pull on it.

what can i say, i love the quinine.

anyway, i'm mixin a real G&T. and, god forbid, i have some lime. I need some tonic. And i just went out and bought enough to keep a regiment from acquiring whatever malady one acquires from not having quinine.

but i want to use up the old stuff.

what with knowing the job's going to end, the old proverb use every part of the buffalo, takes on new urgency.

anyway, the stuff was invisible to me for a good five minutes. but i found it.

ah, ben franklin was right, even in matters of getting messed up. patience. what cannot it do, aside from keeping your job (sorry, it's just something alcohol has killed the pain of, but is still on my mind. Amazing how alcohol can do that for us. perhaps that's why it's still legal).

But what doesn't

loosing funding. unstructured depression. loosing a girl you've known for years and dated for six months. batshit crazy psycho-obsessive-girl-you-dated-for-a-little-while stalking you, friend of ten years flipping out at you on your birthday, in public, causing the girl you've known for years and just started dating to leave you (who can blaim her). mom freaking out at you and accusing you of ruining her golden years. finding a job that might lead to a career out of the school rat race only to loose it again, unexpectedly.

All these things fade away with drink.

But what doesn't, loosing an idea.

I was out at the bodega, and had a brilliant post.

now gone.

That'll fuck you up, no matter how drunk you are.

Get ready

I'm thinking I'm posting alot tonight.

The phone's off and I'm finally going to finish shelving books. And i'm drinking whisky.

What could possibly go wrong.

And I'm disappointed, mad, sad and angry. And apparently using the oxford comma, god know's why.

so--here we go. let the fun and games begin.

Maybe Next Time

Hey.

Guess I don't need the salutation, but I'm still new to this whole thing.

Well, didn't make it out of town today. Ipod died on me, right after lunch (which was rather kickass--went to the peruvian chicken place. Awesomebinladen)

Anyway, chillin. Some death metal (death) just popped up on shuffle and i'm thinking i'm going to leave it on.

use to listen to this every morning before going to caddy. made good money, but... well, let's say that golf doesn't always bring out the best in people. but i had my life threatened only once, so all in all a good experience.

one to grow on.

Well, not much more than that. watched a bad movie. napped, which was totally sweet, and now just sittin, trying like a mofo not to tweak, and trying not to pop an ativan because the therapist says shouldn't drink on it, and i'm sitting here chilling with a glass of pino.

such is life.

is clonopin different in this respect? because pdoc (not sure i'm using this correctly) says that we may start on that because, hey, who doesn't need another psychoactive pharmasutical (can't believe I spelled that right) these days.

so enjoy the weekend. unfortunately today is overcase--yesterday was the best day of the summer and it was nice to be out on the island to see it.

well, signing off. for now. best.