Vulnerability

I remember when my car was broken into in Chicago. I felt ashamed, I felt embarrassed, I knew it was my fault, my carelessness. But then I realized it didn't matter, because I could fix it and no one had to know.

Now things are broken, it's my fault, my carelessness and I haven't the means to fix them, without telling other people. Things are so broken I don't know where to start and starting little things, like sorting the mail, means facing not only up to the extent to which I've fucked things up, but to the very real possibility of needing someone to fix them for me.

I'm almost thirty four years old.

so onto poverty

of which i only have peripheral knowledge.

but i do know this. it ispires madness. and i mean urban poverty here. i don't know much about rural poverty, but i imagine the vastness of space and the inability to effect it in a capitalist world would also inspire madness, but of a different sort than the urban.

it has to do with noise.

just one anecdote.

i was living in a basement. and it opened up on an airshaft between the tenaments. garbage piled eight feet high.

bottles were thrown and i used to fear shards would pierce my window.

there was a man, i knew so by his voice, who used to yell. and just when you thought it was over, he'd yell again. this went on for hours. neighbors used to yell back, "shut the fuck up." but he just kept on yelling this voul sound.

and that was in addition to the cars with their reggeaton.

and those on the stoop.

shit was live.

and imagine the young scholar trying to get his studies done.

long excursus. and i can't get away from myself.

but i've seen it. i've been to east new york and talked to the young bloods. and i've been to north philadelphia and talked to the young bloods. and i've lived in neighborhoods. i've seen it. bombed out houses. i've had cops stop me for no reason other than i was in the wrong place.

and i've heard them saying that the only reason they stopped me was what would my mom say.

and what would my mom say? she was teaching in those neighborhoods.

teaching young bloods.

and the stories.

gunfire. whisk the children inside. phone call to the principle. gang appologizing. they were only trying out their new weapons. didn't mean to upset the school.

and it goes on.

but when you listen to the churches. when you listen to the blues clubs.

when you see the communities.

shit. i lived in one of the most racially charged neighborhoods in america. and i heard abuse when i went among the periphery. and when i was in trouble. and i was in trouble. a car load of youths offered to pick me up and take me on my way no questions asked.

they could see i was in trouble.

so when people, and i know i'm on a rant, talk about the problems of the urban, i just wish they knew more about it.

like our current president does.

Maybe Next Time

Hey.

Guess I don't need the salutation, but I'm still new to this whole thing.

Well, didn't make it out of town today. Ipod died on me, right after lunch (which was rather kickass--went to the peruvian chicken place. Awesomebinladen)

Anyway, chillin. Some death metal (death) just popped up on shuffle and i'm thinking i'm going to leave it on.

use to listen to this every morning before going to caddy. made good money, but... well, let's say that golf doesn't always bring out the best in people. but i had my life threatened only once, so all in all a good experience.

one to grow on.

Well, not much more than that. watched a bad movie. napped, which was totally sweet, and now just sittin, trying like a mofo not to tweak, and trying not to pop an ativan because the therapist says shouldn't drink on it, and i'm sitting here chilling with a glass of pino.

such is life.

is clonopin different in this respect? because pdoc (not sure i'm using this correctly) says that we may start on that because, hey, who doesn't need another psychoactive pharmasutical (can't believe I spelled that right) these days.

so enjoy the weekend. unfortunately today is overcase--yesterday was the best day of the summer and it was nice to be out on the island to see it.

well, signing off. for now. best.