It hasn't sunk in yet

I haven't heard back from that retail job I applied for.

So I guess I didn't get it. Which sucks.

But it hasn't sunk in yet that it's over--or maybe it never felt like I was going to get it anyway. One of the benefits of low self esteem is that you aren't surprised or disappointed when things just don't work out.

Still and all, it would have been a good get. Would have dramatically improved my situation.

No money makes me miserable.

Drugs

I'm running out of drugs.

I have about three days of Abilify left, and a handful of Lamictal.

I should get by on the Lamictal until the end of the month, when the new insurance kicks in and I have some left over Seroquel, that I'm going to try taking. It's a less than ideal solution, but it's the one that makes financial sense. I just don't have the six hundred bucks to buy some Abilify.

So the great drug experiment begins.

I just hope the brother can help cover rent and insurance next month, and I get that retail job.

Just Bought Health Insurance

Wow, that was expensive.

Well, we have to do these things. Can't afford to go without coverage--they can deny treatment if you ever go off coverage for more than two months, and I can't ever be denied coverage--I could never pay for it otherwise.

And to go without coverage for the rest of my life is totally frightening. Totally scary.

It was expensive--six hundred dollars for the first month, but it goes down to four hundred after that for three months then back up to five hundred, which, all things considered, is not that much money for what I get. I'm sure my benefits will exceed my costs at this stage of the game.

But drugs are still going to be a problem.

I'm going to not tell the therapist that I'm going without Abilify for a moment. Then I'll have about three months of coverage and then I'll have to make another plan. But that comes later.

This health insurance game sure is a racket, but I'll be saving money when you think about therapy and the like.

Tough Situation

I'm in a bind and need help.

I don't know what to do. I'm already out of money, haven't paid rent this month yet. I owe about a thousand to the credit card company, which isn't much, but they want it now, I fear. My health insurance runs out in about two and a half months, and I'm not sure whether or not I need to front the eight hundred dollars (which I don't have) to get my drugs.

And there's no income on the horizon.

I think my brother can bail me out for the moment, and maybe I can scrape by with that help through the summer, trying to get a last minute teaching position.

But for the summer, brother to the rescue. So I hope.

A little bit every day

I'm frustrated and scared, but I'll bet that beats being bored.

I'm trying to do some things every day in three areas: health, money and school.

Health: refilling my meds today

Money: paying rent

School: return library books

Then, maybe I'll pay a fine and register soon.

It sucks cleaning up your own messes, but better now than later.

If I can attack these three fronts, maybe things will get better.

food

of all things i think of out in the world that it would be nice to buy. anything, everything.

even at home, food never leaves me:

beer

whiskey

cheese

eggs

steak

chicken

pork

something new

something old

linguine with clam sauce

dark chocolate

i guess i just get sick of the same things: salad and a loaf of bread a day.

this is no way to live.

looking for good news

but aren't we all.

cut my finger, hell on typing.

no cash, no bank, no loan.

bills from everywhere.

shit, i could be going to court for back rent.

loan check's almost spent before it's come in.

and i said to myself the last time was last time.

how much protein can 59 cents buy you

not much. at least, not in this city.

thought i could get some beans or something. got to have something like ninety cents.

guess it's just a rich man's world.

at least i have enough to make some bread tomorrow.

not really sure why i haven't been posting

i guess i feel like i don't have much to say.

which isn't exactly so. i'm the kind of asshole that could talk for years on a deserted island. even if there were no smoke monster.

and something humiliating but interesting did happen on monday. therapist lent me some cash, because i'm out.

and it sucks.

again.

and i thought we both wanted me to start the new meds--abilify. needed thirty bucks to get it. and we talked for a long time about it. made me feel better then, but not so good now.

then there's the procrastination. fear compounded, at this point. maybe finish up with the novel i'm reading for the nth time. then work? cleaning? baking?

we'll see.

Confluence of money and love

Yes, can't buy love. Legally. Or, as a direct finantial transaction.

But there's always money involved. Needs must be.

and that's one of the most frustrating things about recurrant cycles of poverty.

Difficult to maintain romantic relationships.

feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

can't believe i was that careless

lost a week to worrying.

but the money's clear.

and i'm spending it as fast as i can.

but things build up. imagine going a week without any money.

it's amaizing i could do it.

of course, it involved a lot of scrownging. picking up cigarettes was the worst.

so it really wasn't that bad

stupidity compounded

so i been waiting on funds to clear my bank.

thought i had deposited it over a week ago.

and i had. on the 10th, in fact.

shit should have cleared on the 14th.

but i never checked the on-line statement.

so i should have been on their case over a week ago.

so it's both my bad and my banks. but... well, i think there's enough blame to go around for everyone.

a new thought, and not a pleasant one

maybe momster stopped payment on that check.

which would put me back to square zero

anxiety of procrastination

so last night it hits me.

being off the lamictal doesn't help.

probably should have bought it yesterday, when i still seemed to be covered by empire.

now that i haven't been paid, i'm pretty sure that empire is over.

so back to paying for drugs and holding my breath while i wait for them to reimburse me.

which, of course, sucks.

so, tommorrow about $450 bucks will clear the bank, but it's already spent. $200 to at&t (need phone) $150 to utilities (need power). And now I'm going to have to lay out something like $200 to get the lamictal.

if only i had that $5 a few days ago.

of course i had it, but two things--one, took too many by mistake, so short, so insurance wouldn't pick it up for a few days. two, had it again, but wanted to see lara, so blew what little money i had ($10) on food to make her dinner.

should have picked up the meds and gotten something cheaper, smaller.

why do things have to suck so much.

instant coffee and fresh bread

so. i've had less than sixty cents in my pocket for about three days.

but more than fifty.

which buys you less than half a small coffee in this town.

and i ran out of coffee and lamictal yesterday.

but wait. the white horse appears, unbidden.

brother. whom i was upset with when last we met.

well, $100 dollars later and about a quart of coffee on his dime, and all is forgiven. mostly because he didn't bring up the obvious.

fuck this. i feel like i'm just narrating for my own purpose. more and better to stick to topics.

the hole

well, aside from a few as yet unacounted expenses (internet bill, various fees, dry cleaning i may or may not have, drugs i need to pay the co-pay on, that sort of thing), the hole is not as big as i feared, $4,446.81.

add on maybe $200 more for thing left unaccounted, maybe a couple hundred to get through the month and i'm only looking at 5 grand. plus about 50k in student loans.

it doesn't look too bad, really.

doable.

fourty six cents

i was wondering how much coffee a dollar sixty five could buy.

one cup at the bodega, sure, but how far would it go if i went to the grocery store.

thought i could get more, and i did.

instant coffee, generic, two ounces.

all for a dollar nineteen.

you can get anything you want here, if you're willing to pay for it.

poverty redux

One of the frustrating things is the time/money axis.

I've got the time for an afternoon beer. it's a lovely day.

but of course, no money.

cash money never gonna play-out

got payed today.

low and behold.

things come to those who wait.

and i didn't even have to do anything for it.

of course, might not last. so let's spend it as quick as humanly possible.