Looking at my application

I just had to fill out an application for a job.

You know the kind where you have to put how much money you've made and how much you'd like to make?

Well, there are big differences between the two for me. And it looks totally crazy. Because I list my stipends from school--which are like half salaries.

But without explaining it includes tuition and the like, it looks like I made less than minimum wage.

Together with the references--I fucked up and put the same people I put for supervisors--I must look totally insane.

Ah, the indignities of looking for employment.

Couple this with my anxiety of asking for the money I think I need, which seems astronomical to me... I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it.

And crazy stress dreams.

It got so bad I went for a run this morning at five. And that was mortifying too. I haven't been running in a year and I smoke close to a pack a day. One and a half miles nearly killed me.

When I was manic, I could run seven miles six times a week and still smoke.

Ah, the joys of mania.

went for a little jog

been leafing through James Fixx's book on running.

sure, it's from the 70's, but a lot of the information is still good. and he's a good writer, whenever i look through it, it makes me want to run again.

so, getting back on that horse, smoking over a pack a day, which is a smallish handicap. and the effort was weak. around 1.5 miles.

but i do know that if you keep it up, time and distance take care of themselves.

it wasn't so long ago that i was running 6 or 7 miles, usually daily.

and i'm sure i can push it harder, but later, much later.

it just keeps going on and on, so you might as well skim

i think that the pain of loosing a job will hit me tomorrow.

and i'll be all productive.

if it all works out right, i'll finish shelving. clean the apartment and go running.

and then probably feel so good about myself that i'll call friends to go out drinking and get turned down and get as sauced on my own as i am now.

but the pain will come back.

and what will i do with it? make it productive? change my life?

or sink deeper into self-pity?

morning, sunshine

Well, hello there.

whooh. did a number last night--not a jay, well, not dope anyway--.

it's been a good run. not that i'm retiring. too early for that, and i've got work to do.

still and all, it's been fun, these last few days with you.

and, well, sometimes it's just plain and.

that said, let's gear up. fall's a cummin, as the old poet said.

must have, haven't they said everything?

and i know, that was the dread comma splice. never thought i'd admit it. say lovey.

so, just you and me kid. let's make it a good one.

Need to run

I feel like I need to run. But I don't want to... Therefor I need to do a review.

I guess its like cleaning the appartment (which I need to do as well. Long story); I don't feel like leaving until i'm current.