Hi Stranger

I've been bad about posting. I know.

But I have something relevant to say now.

Anxiety.

I've been trying to get grades turned in so I can graduate for these bullshit reading classes that I must admit, I didn't make the best effort in.

But I read.

Anyway, it's with two of my frenemy professors, who kind of cock-blocked me, though I should have known better. But that's neither here nor there.

Back to the anxiety. This causes me some. For no good reason.

I tried without taking any ativan, and it was too late. Seems the ativan takes about twenty minutes to kick in, so the heart is still racing, but at least I did it. And the ativan will help with the post-stress anxiety, the residual anxiety.

Now all I need is a diet coke.

Looking for a job

So let me know if you have one. I'll take it.

I've been sending out resumes over the interweb, and I've gotten so that I don't get nervous when I send them.

That part's down, mostly since I figure I'll never hear from these people again.

The automated applications are the worst--takes forever to fill out and you can be sure that a machine will almost certainly eliminate you before a human being sees your resume.

Anyway, I've gotten two responses today, which makes me nervous. Shaking. Talking on the telephone is not easy for me.

I guess it's a good thing.

Still, don't get hopes up.

Ativan helps

Even just that little bit.

I was frantic about this tiny post I had to make for the art-blog I said I'd write for, it was anxiety provoking.

But then I popped my magic little pill, 1/2 mg of peace and quiet. Was able to write.

Two things: one--why don't they give this out like candy. Two--what must it felt like to take 20 mg like my dad did during his death-bed panic attacks?

Unless I eat a whole prescription at once, I suppose I'll never know.

Started writing for an arts blog

Well, I sent my introduction post. Tried to be funny. Made me laugh.

I always feel anxious when I post like this. Don't know why. It's not like it really matters anyway. Not letting down all my adoring fans--not that I mind when people stumble across this and look.

But I feel so self-conscious. I was hoping that being anonymous would make it easier, and I suppose writing is possible because it's anonymous, yet it's not as easy as I hoped. I feel anxious.

Knot

I've been drinking, and I feel that's ok to say because it's one of my concerns here.

It is what it is. Now I'm closing my eyes. And just typing as it comes out. Feeels good man.

I feel tight, and not in the nineteen fifties way of tight as drunk. Tight as my chest is tight... Over what? Posting on a blog? Anonymously?

Tight. As in pain. As in a knot. sitting in the middle of my chest. When it tightens up, it keeps me from doing the kinds of things I know I can do. This damned knot. Gordion. Or gordian. Knot sure.

Dreams of cutting. Others of cutting the knot. But it seems like unwinding is best. But how to?

man do i wish i had that ativan

so, i need to have five bucks before sunday so i can refill the lamictal.

and i need fifteen for the ativan before they send it back. it'd be real embarrasing to tell the psychiatrist i couldn't pick it up because i didn't have the money.

wonder if he'd believe me.

i don't know if i believe me.

trying to get a handle on the finances. got gnu money, which, aside from some minor annoyances--which i'm sure are my fault, seems sweet.

but it produces anxiety like a mofo. to see where you stand, how many thousands you owe.

and all my dreams of the vacation melt into air, to steal from berman stealing from marx.