Hi Stranger

I've been bad about posting. I know.

But I have something relevant to say now.

Anxiety.

I've been trying to get grades turned in so I can graduate for these bullshit reading classes that I must admit, I didn't make the best effort in.

But I read.

Anyway, it's with two of my frenemy professors, who kind of cock-blocked me, though I should have known better. But that's neither here nor there.

Back to the anxiety. This causes me some. For no good reason.

I tried without taking any ativan, and it was too late. Seems the ativan takes about twenty minutes to kick in, so the heart is still racing, but at least I did it. And the ativan will help with the post-stress anxiety, the residual anxiety.

Now all I need is a diet coke.

Dredding going to the psychiatrist

I feel bad about almost everything.

Haven't been working, haven't been studying. Drinking too much. Not making enough of an effort in general.

School's the worst part. Just don't know if I have it in me anymore, which seems weak.

Oh well, face the music.

off ativan and other difficulties

I screwed up my insurance, because I didn't register until just yesterday.

An emergency loan I thought I'd paid came back to haunt me. But I only had to go three places before I found the right one, and they let me differ the loan until my student loan comes in. Soon, I hope.

I am bouncing back from difficulties earlier, trying to tackle things early. With limited success.

Facing demons--it's useful, I suppose just from a practical point of view, but it does make life easier, but it doesn't make me feel better, only worse.

I'm getting the picture of how fracked-up my life is. All the things I've ignored and screwed up for so long.

I'm beginning to see how it's been years I've struggled with myself. Years I've lost just trying to get back to where I was before I was diagnosed.

It really took a lot out of me and I should be honest about it.

Grad school and bipolar have been like a one-two hit--a combination that's really put me back.

Staggering now, I hope there's still time left in this fight to win. But I've lost too many rounds.

And I feel ambivalent about this post, though I am beginning to realize things about myself.

A little bit every day

I'm frustrated and scared, but I'll bet that beats being bored.

I'm trying to do some things every day in three areas: health, money and school.

Health: refilling my meds today

Money: paying rent

School: return library books

Then, maybe I'll pay a fine and register soon.

It sucks cleaning up your own messes, but better now than later.

If I can attack these three fronts, maybe things will get better.

haven't been posting

yeah, i've slowed down a little bit.

don't think it will be forever. two reasons. one, my phone's been turned off. i like posting from the road, something reckless and impulsive about it. perhaps compulsive, but that's another post.

second, well, i've been procrastinating like a mofo. two thing i don't want to do and i grind to a hault. never used to be like this. i always pulled something out of my ass at the last minute. sure, i was often ashamed of what i produced, but who cares, it's done.

not in grad school. extensions. the devil's tool, that is. they're right evil.

i need to learn to respect deadlines again. it's effecting my whole life.

how do you deal with the impulse to procrastinate?