another lonely night

left for a minute, twice, actually.

scavenged for tobac, which i spoke of a few minutes ago.

then, down to the mailbox to send my girl in maryland a postcard.

was good, saw my bodega guy.

for all the difficulties, do love this life.

anxiety of procrastination

so last night it hits me.

being off the lamictal doesn't help.

probably should have bought it yesterday, when i still seemed to be covered by empire.

now that i haven't been paid, i'm pretty sure that empire is over.

so back to paying for drugs and holding my breath while i wait for them to reimburse me.

which, of course, sucks.

so, tommorrow about $450 bucks will clear the bank, but it's already spent. $200 to at&t (need phone) $150 to utilities (need power). And now I'm going to have to lay out something like $200 to get the lamictal.

if only i had that $5 a few days ago.

of course i had it, but two things--one, took too many by mistake, so short, so insurance wouldn't pick it up for a few days. two, had it again, but wanted to see lara, so blew what little money i had ($10) on food to make her dinner.

should have picked up the meds and gotten something cheaper, smaller.

why do things have to suck so much.

whew

wow. did that take forever.

but i'm glad i did it now, before it got totally out of control.

now, everything is labeled and the labels work. though they add quite a bit of visual clutter.

too many one-offs.

well, in attempts to ballance this new clutter, i've tried to pare down the things on the left--blogs that I really don't read, reference material that's no that useful, that sort of thing.

hope the new design works better.

let me know

Labels finished

So, I guess it will be easier to find things, if you're so interested.

Wow. What a pain. First, had to reread every post and put labels on them.

But it was exciting, in a way.

Then had to go back through them and put commas between them, because I wasn't paying enough attention to how they wanted them--made each post's list of labels one label. Which kind of defeats the point.

And the predictive text, it threw me for a loop. Had to sleep and realized this was a job for cut and paste.

Could have written a perl script, but as I'm only going to do this once, and the perl script wouldn't make it that much faster, just went with cut and paste.

harder than i expected

always surprised how much force required to remove delicate things.

this is hard

ugh.

yesterday, went in to the boss's to talk. because he didn't tell me what he wanted from me.

which is cool and everything. i just want to finish on a high note.

so i made him tell me.

and i asked what the last day was. he said it should be in my documentation, which i am sure of, but i got the feeling he hadn't even thought of it.

my last day is friday.

i know that leaving is hard under any circumstances. and better pull it off like a bandaid than let it drag on, but this is hard.

going to save the ativan for when i walk in the door.

and this is the hardest part

how to blow off steam without hurting myself.

not that i want to do anything stupid.

but it's humiliating. i mean, all i want to do is file something.

yes, i want to win.

but do i really have to answer all these questions before i even begin.

yes. because we are not the ones in power. all we have is law.

and i do believe that law is the recourse of the weak. a healthy society is a legalistic society. a litigious society. because if they're suing eachother, then they're not resorting to other means to sort out conflict.

It's funny

You'd think going through stuff would make you hard. And it does. On your self. But it also makes you more empathetic toward others.

look i ain' trying tgo tive you the fortune and fame.

let me cut it short.

mother flippers...

now i'm hearing stuff. and i know that's new. at least i know that's in my mind.

gosh darn.

and i know i'm not supposed to be hearing things. it's freaking scary.

i know i'll make it. i just don't know how much longer i'll be me.