so, i'm paranoid

clinically so. confirmed by therapist. he's seen me go through it. talked me down some.

i check for the emergency exits. i don't like to sit with my back to the door. i believe in strong crypto, and for the most part, i know how to use it.

i believe in security through obscurity.

i've used tor, though i don't have it configured at the moment.

and lately, i've been working on a project: what would i want with me if i had to go, immediately.

the go bag, i call it.

it comes in two parts: the small and the large.

the small is between a toiletry bag and a tote bag. it contains the essentials that are hard/impossible to replace on the fly.

the large? all i need for urban camping.

here's an incomplete list of things i want. unfortunately, it's not yet separated into small and large.

gobag:

drugs

pens

alcohol

tobacco

coffee

water

cup

food

calling card

$100 cash

$100 visa card

mta card

passport

phone

voice recorder

keys--my own and other peoples

maps

compass

umbrella

clothes

toiletries

sowing kit

small tent

small sleeping bag

train schedules

notebooks

books to read

small, legal knife

medical supplies

shoes and boots

USB drive

GTD stuff

small toolkit

tape

work gloves

mace

winter stuff (hat, gloves, socks, etc)

dice

cards

cards keyed to a secret deck

usb w/ os for strong crypto

mres

gold

water

toughbook

so, what do you think? i know i'm missing things, would like to hear what else you think i may need.

so onto poverty

of which i only have peripheral knowledge.

but i do know this. it ispires madness. and i mean urban poverty here. i don't know much about rural poverty, but i imagine the vastness of space and the inability to effect it in a capitalist world would also inspire madness, but of a different sort than the urban.

it has to do with noise.

just one anecdote.

i was living in a basement. and it opened up on an airshaft between the tenaments. garbage piled eight feet high.

bottles were thrown and i used to fear shards would pierce my window.

there was a man, i knew so by his voice, who used to yell. and just when you thought it was over, he'd yell again. this went on for hours. neighbors used to yell back, "shut the fuck up." but he just kept on yelling this voul sound.

and that was in addition to the cars with their reggeaton.

and those on the stoop.

shit was live.

and imagine the young scholar trying to get his studies done.

long excursus. and i can't get away from myself.

but i've seen it. i've been to east new york and talked to the young bloods. and i've been to north philadelphia and talked to the young bloods. and i've lived in neighborhoods. i've seen it. bombed out houses. i've had cops stop me for no reason other than i was in the wrong place.

and i've heard them saying that the only reason they stopped me was what would my mom say.

and what would my mom say? she was teaching in those neighborhoods.

teaching young bloods.

and the stories.

gunfire. whisk the children inside. phone call to the principle. gang appologizing. they were only trying out their new weapons. didn't mean to upset the school.

and it goes on.

but when you listen to the churches. when you listen to the blues clubs.

when you see the communities.

shit. i lived in one of the most racially charged neighborhoods in america. and i heard abuse when i went among the periphery. and when i was in trouble. and i was in trouble. a car load of youths offered to pick me up and take me on my way no questions asked.

they could see i was in trouble.

so when people, and i know i'm on a rant, talk about the problems of the urban, i just wish they knew more about it.

like our current president does.