Monday, August 31, 2009
Odi et amo
Pero, hay muchas moy problemas hoy. Pero, a havlat el poeta catullus, ''"obduara mente...obdura''. Paero el hable tambien ''fulserr qouddam candidi tibi soles.'' y ''pedicabo vos et irrumabo''. Sed mi ''favorite'l es de lucretius: ''caelum non animum mutat. Sed caelum mutat.'' the sky not the soul changes. But the sky changes. Con mi amor. Mi perdita, lo siento. Mea maxima culpa. Per christom et domimum... I'm sorry, mm.
Columbia and related matters (with a brief excursis on Straussianism)--oh, I make myself laugh
Used to hang at a Columbian hipster bar (you can find anything in NY).
Very good place. Had the wildest thing--a little terrace that hung
over the bar. Bands would play on it.
Went to a Halloween party there. My costume was Obe Won--the Ewen
McGreggor one. One day Sir Alec Guiness. He's my favorite.
Of course, the best one is Empire. Love the "you're not my father" bit.
And who doesn't like the incest aspect.
First day of class, if I make it. Have an afternoon appointment, and
school is 60 miles by train.
Well, if not today Thursday, which is the class i really want to take.
E. Ann Caplan--not that that means anything to you, but she's a kick
ass scholar. Real gem (and I don't mean the rock-star cartoon, though
she is that). She sent me to theory camp. One day I'll go again. Can't
get enough Dominic LaCapra. Who can?
What can I say, I was raised by a historicist (academically speaking).
Though, he misrepresented himself. Claimed to be a 19th century-style
german historicist. Which he was, in a way. But his training was as a
Straussian.
You might remember them. Very influential in the early Bush
administration. I believe Rumsfeld was one. Among others.
Scary stuff. Strauss believed in what's called the ``Straussian eye.''
Believed certain people could read right. Others only believed myth.
Undemocratic. But loved Gunsmoke.
Have you read the 9/11 commission report? Makes the Tower commission
report look like Aristotle's Nichomachian Ethics (yes, i've spent too
much time in school. studied greek and latin, no less. Read with David
Green, of the Committee on Social Thought (``we think in groups'').
I've studied too many things--classics, history, art history, writing,
20th century novel, 20th century poetry, briefly film (though i have a
kick-ass paper--terminator and aliens, both films about abortion),
critical theory, textuality, german idealism... the list goes on and
on).
Well, gotta let you go.
Enjoy Columbia. Good drugs there, though don't get caught up with the
Cali cartel.
Bogeta-- good avenues. Caracas--good beaches. The mountains to die for.
Gets chilly.
Very good place. Had the wildest thing--a little terrace that hung
over the bar. Bands would play on it.
Went to a Halloween party there. My costume was Obe Won--the Ewen
McGreggor one. One day Sir Alec Guiness. He's my favorite.
Of course, the best one is Empire. Love the "you're not my father" bit.
And who doesn't like the incest aspect.
First day of class, if I make it. Have an afternoon appointment, and
school is 60 miles by train.
Well, if not today Thursday, which is the class i really want to take.
E. Ann Caplan--not that that means anything to you, but she's a kick
ass scholar. Real gem (and I don't mean the rock-star cartoon, though
she is that). She sent me to theory camp. One day I'll go again. Can't
get enough Dominic LaCapra. Who can?
What can I say, I was raised by a historicist (academically speaking).
Though, he misrepresented himself. Claimed to be a 19th century-style
german historicist. Which he was, in a way. But his training was as a
Straussian.
You might remember them. Very influential in the early Bush
administration. I believe Rumsfeld was one. Among others.
Scary stuff. Strauss believed in what's called the ``Straussian eye.''
Believed certain people could read right. Others only believed myth.
Undemocratic. But loved Gunsmoke.
Have you read the 9/11 commission report? Makes the Tower commission
report look like Aristotle's Nichomachian Ethics (yes, i've spent too
much time in school. studied greek and latin, no less. Read with David
Green, of the Committee on Social Thought (``we think in groups'').
I've studied too many things--classics, history, art history, writing,
20th century novel, 20th century poetry, briefly film (though i have a
kick-ass paper--terminator and aliens, both films about abortion),
critical theory, textuality, german idealism... the list goes on and
on).
Well, gotta let you go.
Enjoy Columbia. Good drugs there, though don't get caught up with the
Cali cartel.
Bogeta-- good avenues. Caracas--good beaches. The mountains to die for.
Gets chilly.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Poetry of the every day
Tilapia, beer, french onion soup.
The everyday is inherently lyrical--the poet brings it out.
just a thought
but can one drown in one's own sink? depends on how big it is. kitchen, no problem. but bathroom... that's the challange.
thought about the future tonight. future of flirting. it's only getting better folks.
well, suppose i better sign off.
thought about the future tonight. future of flirting. it's only getting better folks.
well, suppose i better sign off.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
362880
they say, or rather, phill dick says, that you only need 9 indicators to unambiguously identify a person. that's less than 400,000, if taken factorially.
well, maybe it's exponential.
well, maybe it's exponential.
looking for a lacanian
well, i called columbia psych.
might as well do it right if you're going to do it at all. especially with the head shrinkers.
hopefully, they'll find me one that takes my insurance.
might as well do it right if you're going to do it at all. especially with the head shrinkers.
hopefully, they'll find me one that takes my insurance.
hugh millers
when we were studying the middle age, weintraub did the most amazing thing.
he took a will and made it move.
the main protagonist? hugh miller.
he was an ordinary guy. chopped wood or something. maybe wife and kids. little house, grew vegetables.
but then weintraub made him move. what happens should hugh die? what would become of his wife and lands?
it was incredible. we spent some time on that document, as we had on so many others. he could spend hours on mere words.
he took a will and made it move.
the main protagonist? hugh miller.
he was an ordinary guy. chopped wood or something. maybe wife and kids. little house, grew vegetables.
but then weintraub made him move. what happens should hugh die? what would become of his wife and lands?
it was incredible. we spent some time on that document, as we had on so many others. he could spend hours on mere words.
Friday, August 28, 2009
loaded to the gills
And ready, full bore.
well. this seems handy. full of beer. and ready to read some kant.
will that the maxum of your action were a universal law.
couldn't remember that one the other day.
age.
you can't beat it.
well. this seems handy. full of beer. and ready to read some kant.
will that the maxum of your action were a universal law.
couldn't remember that one the other day.
age.
you can't beat it.
time
time is elusive. too much, not enough.
creapping endlessly. the pure product of apprehension.
imagine a being outside time. experiencing everything as the eternal now.
inhuman.
time has a face. janus. two, in fact. all that money spent on education--worthwhile, to speak of abstractions in unreal space.
it takes so long for some certifications. others come naturally.
just ask judge schreber.
creapping endlessly. the pure product of apprehension.
imagine a being outside time. experiencing everything as the eternal now.
inhuman.
time has a face. janus. two, in fact. all that money spent on education--worthwhile, to speak of abstractions in unreal space.
it takes so long for some certifications. others come naturally.
just ask judge schreber.
borred
well, have to exist. work looking better and better.
that's the way these days. socializing, which i don't feel like doing, and working. it's looking good.
life--why do i have to be so pathetic.
that's the way these days. socializing, which i don't feel like doing, and working. it's looking good.
life--why do i have to be so pathetic.
down because no date
so, that stripper i picked up on sunday...she stopped calling me back.
don't know what happened. care to believe she lost her phone.
well, don't worry it. there will be strippers in your future. no doubt.
and maybe i can pick up that girl i talked to over the telephone... much easier to do when unaccompanied by a stripper.
but it's interesting. didn't seem to bother me that's what she did. we all do something, and you kid yourself if you think you're not trading your ass...
an unpleasant thought. well, maybe you're doing what you love. and if not, there's always your free time to do it.
don't know what happened. care to believe she lost her phone.
well, don't worry it. there will be strippers in your future. no doubt.
and maybe i can pick up that girl i talked to over the telephone... much easier to do when unaccompanied by a stripper.
but it's interesting. didn't seem to bother me that's what she did. we all do something, and you kid yourself if you think you're not trading your ass...
an unpleasant thought. well, maybe you're doing what you love. and if not, there's always your free time to do it.
Beer in the afternoon
Well, don't I feel accomplished. Got the dread letter out. Got Latex working on the ol' machine (2 kinds--Lyx and something else)...printed envelopes---that's something.
Now, if only I'd work on my homework. We'll see.
Now, if only I'd work on my homework. We'll see.
Delivery Confirmation
So, sent off that letter to the president et alii.
We'll see what happens. Not too optimistic. But feels good to move on this, and at least I have my bases covered, should I need it.
Now to find a job, which doesn't look good either.
We'll see what happens. Not too optimistic. But feels good to move on this, and at least I have my bases covered, should I need it.
Now to find a job, which doesn't look good either.
latex and misery
and i don't mean the kind you wear. or sit on and it sticks to your legs as you try to climb out of your k-car.
i mean the software package based on donald knuth's tex.
yes, this one is going to be boring and geeky.
and i'm having trouble with it.
you wouldn't believe the junk you get whenever you prepend your google search with ``easy''.
And people wonder why more people don't use linux and latex.
i mean the software package based on donald knuth's tex.
yes, this one is going to be boring and geeky.
and i'm having trouble with it.
you wouldn't believe the junk you get whenever you prepend your google search with ``easy''.
And people wonder why more people don't use linux and latex.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
girl copy
well, found this person writing on the internet, oddly enough.
he was reminiscing about writing girl copy back in the day. intrigued, i wrote him an electronic mail. asking is it possible to write girl copy these days.
well, he got back to me--and though possible, unlikely.
so i thanked him, said i'd follow his advice (be professional and sane) and get back and say how it all worked out.
well, he wrote me again. i guess even ex-pornographic writers get lonely.
he was reminiscing about writing girl copy back in the day. intrigued, i wrote him an electronic mail. asking is it possible to write girl copy these days.
well, he got back to me--and though possible, unlikely.
so i thanked him, said i'd follow his advice (be professional and sane) and get back and say how it all worked out.
well, he wrote me again. i guess even ex-pornographic writers get lonely.
letter
so i drafted a letter i'm sending to the president of the university.
seems i don't even have to file a grievance, just send a letter asking for a meeting. which doesn't seem to improve the situation or anything.
still, it's a chance to use certified mail!
seems i don't even have to file a grievance, just send a letter asking for a meeting. which doesn't seem to improve the situation or anything.
still, it's a chance to use certified mail!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Days of Rage
Days of Rage
It's just been one thing after another.
These have been days of rage.
Brother.
I've lost so many friends and loves.
Paring it down to the divine core, the
love that passeth understanding. The
unbought grace of life for this sinner.
and peace be with you as with me as
we strive to make this hellish fallen
world into very heaven.
But more than anything
i'm bored with this life.
It's just been one thing after another.
These have been days of rage.
Brother.
I've lost so many friends and loves.
Paring it down to the divine core, the
love that passeth understanding. The
unbought grace of life for this sinner.
and peace be with you as with me as
we strive to make this hellish fallen
world into very heaven.
But more than anything
i'm bored with this life.
Tijuana Bible
tiajuana bible
something fucked
coming through
like she was talking to herself
and not that well.
something fucked
coming through
like she was talking to herself
and not that well.
The Lonely Philoligist
the lonely philologist
in place of feelings, topology.
Transformations hidden or misremembered. A landscape, formed from the
horizon-the literal one, the one always out of reach.
Now we enter the longest leg of our journey. No virgil, no dante, no
anchises to guide.
But the rails run straight. And the timetable, which long ago
standardized, well, no need to tell you that.
Clause consecutive or final, none the less. Some distinctions are only
made by the lonely philologist.
in place of feelings, topology.
Transformations hidden or misremembered. A landscape, formed from the
horizon-the literal one, the one always out of reach.
Now we enter the longest leg of our journey. No virgil, no dante, no
anchises to guide.
But the rails run straight. And the timetable, which long ago
standardized, well, no need to tell you that.
Clause consecutive or final, none the less. Some distinctions are only
made by the lonely philologist.
lamb chops.
succulent. medium rare. grilled.
and mint jelly, rosemary. wine.
mashed potatoes, with the skins, with gravy made of droppings and wine.
pearl onions. some with crab apples around them, sautéed in butter.
coffee ice cream with pure chocolate and butter.
some skin and fat roasted for the gods.
well, one can wish.
succulent. medium rare. grilled.
and mint jelly, rosemary. wine.
mashed potatoes, with the skins, with gravy made of droppings and wine.
pearl onions. some with crab apples around them, sautéed in butter.
coffee ice cream with pure chocolate and butter.
some skin and fat roasted for the gods.
well, one can wish.
shall and will
in my letter, i'm using shall over will as to my representation.
fowler would be pleased.
apparently, shall represents a certain certainty that will fails.
will seems to be more of a wishing thing.
all of which are tecnicalities that i don't suppose anyone will (or shall) notice. yet...
one can never be too precise.
fowler would be pleased.
apparently, shall represents a certain certainty that will fails.
will seems to be more of a wishing thing.
all of which are tecnicalities that i don't suppose anyone will (or shall) notice. yet...
one can never be too precise.
perhaps a bit premature
but i miss her.
haven't heard for a couple of days from the girl i'm supposed to date this saturday.
trying not to drive her crazy.
deleted her from phone book. but remember last 3 digits of her phone, so i should be able to recognize it.
should she call, right to voice mail.
haven't heard for a couple of days from the girl i'm supposed to date this saturday.
trying not to drive her crazy.
deleted her from phone book. but remember last 3 digits of her phone, so i should be able to recognize it.
should she call, right to voice mail.
pleasantly buzzed, latexing
well, i don't mean the plastic kind, if that's right.
i mean document processing. how boring. but if you don't latex, you should.
it's fun.
so, got a call from the rep. no grievance needed. just a letter via certified mail.
well, here goes. fewer words, the better.
so i'll be concise. as opposed to here.
i mean document processing. how boring. but if you don't latex, you should.
it's fun.
so, got a call from the rep. no grievance needed. just a letter via certified mail.
well, here goes. fewer words, the better.
so i'll be concise. as opposed to here.
reviewed
ok. so took a couple of hours. not surprising when i've been away from it for so long.
overwhelming but relieving at the same time, as ever.
like to be on top. sure, some things are slipping, but it's all i can remember at the moment...
like the audio recorder, which i just can't face, so it goes on the list. today.
overwhelming but relieving at the same time, as ever.
like to be on top. sure, some things are slipping, but it's all i can remember at the moment...
like the audio recorder, which i just can't face, so it goes on the list. today.
Turning it off
Going in review. From scratch. So, tuning out for a few hours. Something tells me the world can function without me.
Ugh
gotta review today. it's been so long, it's like starting over.
but i know it pays off; already helped with the lawyer.
never used to do this sort of thing, hold onto documents and such.
turning over a new leaf.
i know it's bothering me because i feel overwhelmed, even though i know i don't have much.
and...
still the grogginess. thanks seroquel
but i know it pays off; already helped with the lawyer.
never used to do this sort of thing, hold onto documents and such.
turning over a new leaf.
i know it's bothering me because i feel overwhelmed, even though i know i don't have much.
and...
still the grogginess. thanks seroquel
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
slow day
i know i haven't been posting the way i have been.
can't keep it up forever.
but i guess it's going ok. met with the lawyer today, discussed my grievance. doesn't sound good, but doing it anyway.
he seems cool. thorough. like him. trust him. seems upfront, active.
need to be more like that. have been, lately..
other than than, not much. have a date saturday. looking forward to it.
well, time to sack out.
perhaps more tomorrow.
can't keep it up forever.
but i guess it's going ok. met with the lawyer today, discussed my grievance. doesn't sound good, but doing it anyway.
he seems cool. thorough. like him. trust him. seems upfront, active.
need to be more like that. have been, lately..
other than than, not much. have a date saturday. looking forward to it.
well, time to sack out.
perhaps more tomorrow.
Monday, August 24, 2009
talked to liz
hey, davidco rocks.
had a nice chat with liz. she's awesome. strongly recommend that strong women.
so much going right in my world.
had a nice chat with liz. she's awesome. strongly recommend that strong women.
so much going right in my world.
Anyway
It's nice to see i'm still capable of the incomprehensible.
always a danger.
And, well, the world is getting bigger.
And i met a girl with booty. booty the likes of which god's never seen.
god knows why she speaks to me.
went to a (ashamed to say) strip club last night. picked up a stripper. not something you can say every day.
she's cute, and interesting. god knows when my old ass is going to do that again. they smell great, and you'd be surprised what you can get away with in the champaign room.
but as kris rock says, no sex in the champaign room. but lots of grinding, and some making out.
jebus, it was hot.
always a danger.
And, well, the world is getting bigger.
And i met a girl with booty. booty the likes of which god's never seen.
god knows why she speaks to me.
went to a (ashamed to say) strip club last night. picked up a stripper. not something you can say every day.
she's cute, and interesting. god knows when my old ass is going to do that again. they smell great, and you'd be surprised what you can get away with in the champaign room.
but as kris rock says, no sex in the champaign room. but lots of grinding, and some making out.
jebus, it was hot.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
young blood
so, out last night. full moon. union squarish. certainly st. marks.
so, at the crosswalk. this youngblood. barely bar age, she's staring me down. beautiful. mohagnoy skin. deep brown eyes. egyptian make-up.
ask her if she wants a drink.
one day. later
so, at the crosswalk. this youngblood. barely bar age, she's staring me down. beautiful. mohagnoy skin. deep brown eyes. egyptian make-up.
ask her if she wants a drink.
one day. later
drinking on a sunday afternoon
alcohol is my drug of choice, but if the next door neighbor could get me some halucinagins, i would not complain.
like them.
well, feeling fine. buzzed. could nap, could watch tv, could sit and listen to nirvana, which i am doing right now.
life is good. it's been good to me.
like them.
well, feeling fine. buzzed. could nap, could watch tv, could sit and listen to nirvana, which i am doing right now.
life is good. it's been good to me.
momentary victories
i moved my airconditioner. i know, seems like not much. but it opens a new world. the world of the fire escape.
i think i'm going to put a little grill out there. eventually, flower boxes. it's nice to have in a city where every square inch matters. i've added about five square feet og the great outdoors.
i think i'm going to put a little grill out there. eventually, flower boxes. it's nice to have in a city where every square inch matters. i've added about five square feet og the great outdoors.
i keep worrying
worrying that my family will find this.
they say you only have to give nine markers and you are identifiable. i've given off more than that.
who else is single, manic-depressive, abuses substances (wine and beer today), is organized via gtd, broke, lonely.
well, here's to you should you figure it out.
they say you only have to give nine markers and you are identifiable. i've given off more than that.
who else is single, manic-depressive, abuses substances (wine and beer today), is organized via gtd, broke, lonely.
well, here's to you should you figure it out.
one more, on greek
one of the most mysterious things to me, understanding. episteme.
both the same, both topic and metaphore: to get something one must stand under it. but why.
and where is the old nazi, heiddegger to make sense of it.
both the same, both topic and metaphore: to get something one must stand under it. but why.
and where is the old nazi, heiddegger to make sense of it.
of prepositions
i am a philologist by training, and one of the most mysterious aspects of language is prepositions.
they can mean numerous things.
for instance:
de--on or of
apo--from or agency
by--beside of agency
and myriad other things.
the only competitor, particles. and the final authority, smyth, is surprisingly thin on the subject. though hackett has an edition of denniston, the author of the greek particles, a fascinating book. and on to the particles.
though, without them, greek would be so much more difficult. they convey emotion, irony, personality, and so many other things. it's surprising how many sentences hang on them. not to mention poetry.
well, one day. thus endeth the lecture.
they can mean numerous things.
for instance:
de--on or of
apo--from or agency
by--beside of agency
and myriad other things.
the only competitor, particles. and the final authority, smyth, is surprisingly thin on the subject. though hackett has an edition of denniston, the author of the greek particles, a fascinating book. and on to the particles.
though, without them, greek would be so much more difficult. they convey emotion, irony, personality, and so many other things. it's surprising how many sentences hang on them. not to mention poetry.
well, one day. thus endeth the lecture.
Exhaustion
and the wine store doesn't even open for another 17 minutes.
wanted a glass, or a bottle with lunch.
just cleaning, which you can do drunk because you work off the booze.
like i've said before, only work and company seem to please me. and there's no more work, save working for myself.
and the wages aren't too good these days.
maybe they'll improve.
wanted a glass, or a bottle with lunch.
just cleaning, which you can do drunk because you work off the booze.
like i've said before, only work and company seem to please me. and there's no more work, save working for myself.
and the wages aren't too good these days.
maybe they'll improve.
Of adventure frogs, and related matters
I've had the distinct pleasure to know and to travel these last few years with Jack, an adventure frog.
Adventure frogs are an unusual race, or species, rather.
And Jack is a most unusual adventure frog.
For loyalty is rare in any frog: since they all, to a certain extent, they're born with it.
Jack is naturally inclined to roam, but I believe that we've formed a bond, perhaps for life, should I be so lucky.
We've driven together vast distances and lived in many lands.
We've seen things scarcely believable and events experienced that were among the most troubling in my life. But we've had good times as well.
In the end, there's no telling what kind of trouble an adventure frog may get you in, but I believe that we balance each other. I am naturally cautions, and Jack recless. And so we balance each other kind of like yin and yang.
I've had the pleasure of knowing Jack quite some time, and he has added and improved my life emencely.
Perhaps one day you will know one. They frequently come when you dream of them and adventure.
Take time to develop a relationship, for they will show you many things.
Adventure frogs are an unusual race, or species, rather.
And Jack is a most unusual adventure frog.
For loyalty is rare in any frog: since they all, to a certain extent, they're born with it.
Jack is naturally inclined to roam, but I believe that we've formed a bond, perhaps for life, should I be so lucky.
We've driven together vast distances and lived in many lands.
We've seen things scarcely believable and events experienced that were among the most troubling in my life. But we've had good times as well.
In the end, there's no telling what kind of trouble an adventure frog may get you in, but I believe that we balance each other. I am naturally cautions, and Jack recless. And so we balance each other kind of like yin and yang.
I've had the pleasure of knowing Jack quite some time, and he has added and improved my life emencely.
Perhaps one day you will know one. They frequently come when you dream of them and adventure.
Take time to develop a relationship, for they will show you many things.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
can't tell you how mad i am
"thanks, coward, hope everything goes well for you."
don't worry. it will. at your expense, if i have to.
makes me crazy. why do i have to be the one who is together, in control. those mofos get way more money and respect and i'm the one...
well, those at the bottom have always shoveled it.
and if benjamin's right, the revolution will vindicate all the blood spilled, congealed in the artworks of civilization.
don't worry. it will. at your expense, if i have to.
makes me crazy. why do i have to be the one who is together, in control. those mofos get way more money and respect and i'm the one...
well, those at the bottom have always shoveled it.
and if benjamin's right, the revolution will vindicate all the blood spilled, congealed in the artworks of civilization.
i'm borred
you'd think, after all that's happened lately, i'd like a little free time.
but i'm borred. some small part of me must have enjoyed it.
but i'm borred. some small part of me must have enjoyed it.
Fits and Starts
it's not why i do it, but readers seem to come and go in fits and starts.
which is fine. again, it's not why i do it. i don't even know why i started, but it feels natural.
i've always been writing for the big Other. even in my personal journal--private stuff. always revising, always improving.
it feels good. somedays, when i'm breaking down, it feels like i've taken a bottle of ativan afterwards. not what i expected.
still, it will be nice when someone follows, when someone leaves comments.
which is fine. again, it's not why i do it. i don't even know why i started, but it feels natural.
i've always been writing for the big Other. even in my personal journal--private stuff. always revising, always improving.
it feels good. somedays, when i'm breaking down, it feels like i've taken a bottle of ativan afterwards. not what i expected.
still, it will be nice when someone follows, when someone leaves comments.
good morning
first day of freedom.
kind of looking forward to meeting with the lawyer. will be good to start so i can get this out of the way.
glad i thanked everyone. it's a nice feeling.
so will cleaning the apartment. then i really feel like i can begin to feel better--get the files in shape, that sort of thing.
well, better get moving.
kind of looking forward to meeting with the lawyer. will be good to start so i can get this out of the way.
glad i thanked everyone. it's a nice feeling.
so will cleaning the apartment. then i really feel like i can begin to feel better--get the files in shape, that sort of thing.
well, better get moving.
Friday, August 21, 2009
it ssucks.
if te union thing doesn't work out.
another semester. probably another year without funding. without healtcare.
paying fordrugs out of my pocket.
hand to mouth.
begging for money.
not that i'm not used to it.
but to get hopes of freedom so high.
dashed.
and even if it works, it's a matter of time before they find a way of deleting me perminantly.
but it's my best shot.
so i have to take it.
another semester. probably another year without funding. without healtcare.
paying fordrugs out of my pocket.
hand to mouth.
begging for money.
not that i'm not used to it.
but to get hopes of freedom so high.
dashed.
and even if it works, it's a matter of time before they find a way of deleting me perminantly.
but it's my best shot.
so i have to take it.
caution--geek post here
there's something about the way the doctor and his companions work.
and it's been a progression, i understand.
but lately... it is just too close.
basically, what i'm saying is the doctor is petite object a.
women and men fall in love with him. he cannot respond, for some reason. though he feels it.
yet he's onto another adventure. he cannot be. and those who fall in love with him, they find some thing else. some other reason. which separates them.
they don't betray their desire, even in the face of love.
they give up love for desire.
ethics at its finest.
and it's been a progression, i understand.
but lately... it is just too close.
basically, what i'm saying is the doctor is petite object a.
women and men fall in love with him. he cannot respond, for some reason. though he feels it.
yet he's onto another adventure. he cannot be. and those who fall in love with him, they find some thing else. some other reason. which separates them.
they don't betray their desire, even in the face of love.
they give up love for desire.
ethics at its finest.
if nothing else
i left this job the way that i wanted.
gracious. polite. expressing gratitude. and i fooled at least one person.
and if this union thing goes nowhere, at least i have that.
and if it does, they have some explaining to do.
gracious. polite. expressing gratitude. and i fooled at least one person.
and if this union thing goes nowhere, at least i have that.
and if it does, they have some explaining to do.
They're so great
so, went on the interweb to see if the boss had responded to my email. the one asking him to spell out why i was fired.
unintentional consequences. there are some readers out there and not everyone you'd expect.
but they can read between the lines and know that i've been. well. they think it's of my own accord.
which is cute. and it's cute that they're so concerned.
see, i also sent out a carefully worded email thanking everyone for being such good coworkers. calculated risk. but didn't feel i could just leave without it. gotta give your people props.
well, not my problem. let the boss tell them.
he's really good at confrentation, from what i've seen. think of all those warnings he gave me.
oh. the fun's just started.
unintentional consequences. there are some readers out there and not everyone you'd expect.
but they can read between the lines and know that i've been. well. they think it's of my own accord.
which is cute. and it's cute that they're so concerned.
see, i also sent out a carefully worded email thanking everyone for being such good coworkers. calculated risk. but didn't feel i could just leave without it. gotta give your people props.
well, not my problem. let the boss tell them.
he's really good at confrentation, from what i've seen. think of all those warnings he gave me.
oh. the fun's just started.
nervous and i've got no ativan
well, the day went.
and after i left i did two things.
i sent an email thanking everyone i work with. they really have been tremendous.
and i sent my boss en email asking him to send me a letter explaining why he fired me.
now i'm going to check my email. see if he sent anything.
and i don't think he has, but i'm nervous.
and after i left i did two things.
i sent an email thanking everyone i work with. they really have been tremendous.
and i sent my boss en email asking him to send me a letter explaining why he fired me.
now i'm going to check my email. see if he sent anything.
and i don't think he has, but i'm nervous.
Got a friend at Davidco
No, it's not David. Though I have spoken with him on the phone.
She's wonderful. Started out working together on an order I made that was screwed up.
Now we write each other with a little frequency. In a weird way, it's kind of like this. I mean, I don't know this woman from Adam. Never spoken with her over the phone, even.
But she's married. All the good ones are.
She's wonderful. Started out working together on an order I made that was screwed up.
Now we write each other with a little frequency. In a weird way, it's kind of like this. I mean, I don't know this woman from Adam. Never spoken with her over the phone, even.
But she's married. All the good ones are.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
talked to beardlessly
awesome. going to finally talk about the romantics, and not the new ones.
sounds good, that man. can't remember. must be drunk.
he's going through it, but aren't we all.
sounds good, that man. can't remember. must be drunk.
he's going through it, but aren't we all.
another great link from lifehacker
Here's a great way to implement GTD in plain old text files, my favorite.
It's called txtGTD, and is a simple perl script to help generate and display all your projects and next actions list.
kickass. There's also Gina's overly complicated Bash script somewhere on the site. I'm just to lazy to find it.
Best.
It's called txtGTD, and is a simple perl script to help generate and display all your projects and next actions list.
kickass. There's also Gina's overly complicated Bash script somewhere on the site. I'm just to lazy to find it.
Best.
it's unfair, but the world is unfair
i was told that i could retain my position if things turned around.
yet my responsibilities have been taken away from me by others.
i was never given a chance.
yet my responsibilities have been taken away from me by others.
i was never given a chance.
union does
just talked to my steward... he made a really good point. the best way to really get these guys is get the job back, do good work, pretend nothing happened.
make them regret it.
well, off to lunch. wonder what errands i'll run today.
make them regret it.
well, off to lunch. wonder what errands i'll run today.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
so borring these days
well. another day, another dollar.
work was fine. didn't do shit.
took my spanish exam. seemed easy, but know i mixed up the perfect and the preterite. well. can't win them all. and the nice thing about the romanticists (linguistically speaking), they don't know the difference between tense and aspect. it's all past to them.
so maybe it will be ok. if not, then i'll look at tense and take it again. because that was the only thing tripping me up.
else, all is well.
work was fine. didn't do shit.
took my spanish exam. seemed easy, but know i mixed up the perfect and the preterite. well. can't win them all. and the nice thing about the romanticists (linguistically speaking), they don't know the difference between tense and aspect. it's all past to them.
so maybe it will be ok. if not, then i'll look at tense and take it again. because that was the only thing tripping me up.
else, all is well.
certainly mad
Whew. Just got through going through the emails I've sent over the past few months of employment.
I really made an effort to be professional--to follow up on everything I did.
It would have been nice if these jokers could have been professional as well
I really made an effort to be professional--to follow up on everything I did.
It would have been nice if these jokers could have been professional as well
Here we go
I was going to stay late to get things done, but I don't care.
Every minute here is special. And I don't want to spend another minute than I have to.
This hurts.
Every minute here is special. And I don't want to spend another minute than I have to.
This hurts.
this is hard
ugh.
yesterday, went in to the boss's to talk. because he didn't tell me what he wanted from me.
which is cool and everything. i just want to finish on a high note.
so i made him tell me.
and i asked what the last day was. he said it should be in my documentation, which i am sure of, but i got the feeling he hadn't even thought of it.
my last day is friday.
i know that leaving is hard under any circumstances. and better pull it off like a bandaid than let it drag on, but this is hard.
going to save the ativan for when i walk in the door.
yesterday, went in to the boss's to talk. because he didn't tell me what he wanted from me.
which is cool and everything. i just want to finish on a high note.
so i made him tell me.
and i asked what the last day was. he said it should be in my documentation, which i am sure of, but i got the feeling he hadn't even thought of it.
my last day is friday.
i know that leaving is hard under any circumstances. and better pull it off like a bandaid than let it drag on, but this is hard.
going to save the ativan for when i walk in the door.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
and this is the hardest part
how to blow off steam without hurting myself.
not that i want to do anything stupid.
but it's humiliating. i mean, all i want to do is file something.
yes, i want to win.
but do i really have to answer all these questions before i even begin.
yes. because we are not the ones in power. all we have is law.
and i do believe that law is the recourse of the weak. a healthy society is a legalistic society. a litigious society. because if they're suing eachother, then they're not resorting to other means to sort out conflict.
not that i want to do anything stupid.
but it's humiliating. i mean, all i want to do is file something.
yes, i want to win.
but do i really have to answer all these questions before i even begin.
yes. because we are not the ones in power. all we have is law.
and i do believe that law is the recourse of the weak. a healthy society is a legalistic society. a litigious society. because if they're suing eachother, then they're not resorting to other means to sort out conflict.
i'm so pissed i can hardly see straight
what the fuck.
ok, i understand that they need to know why i failed. but it hurts.
i don't really feel like i have to explain myself. i mean, what does he have to do.
he'll have to answer. as god is my witness.
ok, i understand that they need to know why i failed. but it hurts.
i don't really feel like i have to explain myself. i mean, what does he have to do.
he'll have to answer. as god is my witness.
On the train
Wow. Done work come friday. What is that, a week's notice?
I'd have given atleast two, but who am I.
Well, that's life. Wonder whose going to replace me. But that's not my problem
almost gone
today didn't suck.
got my loan check. work was fine. even did some things.
and made sure i spent plenty of time goofing off.
i think going to the union had a lot to do with it, even if nothing comes of it.
at least i know i tried.
have a good one.
got my loan check. work was fine. even did some things.
and made sure i spent plenty of time goofing off.
i think going to the union had a lot to do with it, even if nothing comes of it.
at least i know i tried.
have a good one.
one last one from lifehacker
this one is for the students, who seem to be, like me, doomed to be in school for the rest of their natural lives.
http://lifehacker.com/5335215/10-must+dos-for-the-first-week-of-college
why wasn't this around when we started?
http://lifehacker.com/5335215/10-must+dos-for-the-first-week-of-college
why wasn't this around when we started?
just started using this myself
have yet to make a purchase with it, but i'm a cheap bastard these days.
when you've had some times like i have--where you are out of money more often than you have it, well, you really think about your purchases.
perhaps one day, i'll be richer than croesis.
so, without further ado:
"http://lifehacker.com/5334708/invisible-hand-subtly-shows-best-web-prices">
when you've had some times like i have--where you are out of money more often than you have it, well, you really think about your purchases.
perhaps one day, i'll be richer than croesis.
so, without further ado:
"http://lifehacker.com/5334708/invisible-hand-subtly-shows-best-web-prices">
yet another lifehacker post
some days i just feel like i should turn over the blog to them.
they've got it going on when it comes to these little tricks and stuff. and if you don't follow lifehacker now, i hope it's becoming evident what you're missing.
this is for finding appartments. unfortunately, i may have to use this. the old pad is getting expensive, and it seems that rents are down in nyc--perhaps a chance in a lifetime to save some dough.
"http://lifehacker.com/5338420/five-best-apartment-search-tools">
they've got it going on when it comes to these little tricks and stuff. and if you don't follow lifehacker now, i hope it's becoming evident what you're missing.
this is for finding appartments. unfortunately, i may have to use this. the old pad is getting expensive, and it seems that rents are down in nyc--perhaps a chance in a lifetime to save some dough.
"http://lifehacker.com/5338420/five-best-apartment-search-tools">
not really on target
hi. there's a funny post over at slashdot, one of my favorite news/technolongy blog
"http://news.slashdot.org/story/09/08/18/1251255/The-Press-Releases-of-the-Damned?from=rss">
it's nice to see press releases for ridiculous overstatements.
"http://news.slashdot.org/story/09/08/18/1251255/The-Press-Releases-of-the-Damned?from=rss">
it's nice to see press releases for ridiculous overstatements.
dead man walking
so, made it into work. a little late.
and not too much to do. web ga, who doesn't entirely know what she's doing has picked up some of the slack.
and on my own front, i've gotten in touch with the union, and what do you know--my old buddy mike is in charge of that these days.
excellent.
i hope this works, somewhat. even if i only get a pyrric victory out of this one, it'll be worth it.
and i'll attend no meetings without union representation.
and not too much to do. web ga, who doesn't entirely know what she's doing has picked up some of the slack.
and on my own front, i've gotten in touch with the union, and what do you know--my old buddy mike is in charge of that these days.
excellent.
i hope this works, somewhat. even if i only get a pyrric victory out of this one, it'll be worth it.
and i'll attend no meetings without union representation.
Days off
Took a couple of days off from blogging.
Needed to unplug, get away (of sorts).
Mostly successful. Saw some movies, read, just relaxed. Alone, which was nice.
Aside from locking myself out again yesterday.
But all is well. Brother had the spare set. Good seeing him, even if only for a few minutes.
Saw psychiatrist--no big changes, just tweaking the meds. wanted to start on abilify, but no dice. not stable enough yet. Maybe in 5 weeks.
Saw psychologist, Jeffery. Good man, that one.
Talked about the job loss and strategies. Going to the union first. I'm in good standings, and what I hope is they can file a greavence and that will keep it going for a couple of days.
I just want to make things difficult for him.
God, how upsetting.
Needed to unplug, get away (of sorts).
Mostly successful. Saw some movies, read, just relaxed. Alone, which was nice.
Aside from locking myself out again yesterday.
But all is well. Brother had the spare set. Good seeing him, even if only for a few minutes.
Saw psychiatrist--no big changes, just tweaking the meds. wanted to start on abilify, but no dice. not stable enough yet. Maybe in 5 weeks.
Saw psychologist, Jeffery. Good man, that one.
Talked about the job loss and strategies. Going to the union first. I'm in good standings, and what I hope is they can file a greavence and that will keep it going for a couple of days.
I just want to make things difficult for him.
God, how upsetting.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
let's kick one out
so,
it's more poetic that way.
feel so prose, want so much the poetry.
doomed to prose.
nothing's good enough
it's more poetic that way.
feel so prose, want so much the poetry.
doomed to prose.
nothing's good enough
gin, exercise ball
stretching on a bottle of segrams is intersting.
here's to the last of it. the last rob buck of the morning.
it's nice to drink on the lord's day, in the morning.
wonder...
still find it amazing, after all these years, the greek language grounded in action.
for instance, understand, episteme, epistemology.
what? understanding. standing under what? and are both we and the greeks standing under the same thing?
why under?
why not sitting, as the Buddhist do?
why why?
here's to the last of it. the last rob buck of the morning.
it's nice to drink on the lord's day, in the morning.
wonder...
still find it amazing, after all these years, the greek language grounded in action.
for instance, understand, episteme, epistemology.
what? understanding. standing under what? and are both we and the greeks standing under the same thing?
why under?
why not sitting, as the Buddhist do?
why why?
drunken sunday morning
only a little gin left.
used to know a girl, hot little one. can't remember her name, but remember those blond curls.
ginny. how could i forget. wasn't her tonic at first. then, she wanted me.
used to like her in part because she kissed joey lawrence.
we never made out. incidental touching.
god, such a wimp.
then there was the twelve year old. maybe 13. but i was 16. felt like i was taking advantage. she had faith in me i never had before.
to list loves is an exercise in futility.
so many times, heart broken. wandering the streets.
less so now. but more lately.
if only... the words of a
used to know a girl, hot little one. can't remember her name, but remember those blond curls.
ginny. how could i forget. wasn't her tonic at first. then, she wanted me.
used to like her in part because she kissed joey lawrence.
we never made out. incidental touching.
god, such a wimp.
then there was the twelve year old. maybe 13. but i was 16. felt like i was taking advantage. she had faith in me i never had before.
to list loves is an exercise in futility.
so many times, heart broken. wandering the streets.
less so now. but more lately.
if only... the words of a
altered states
there's really not too much more to take away.
close to the bone, these days. lets see:
drugs
alcohol
therapy
brother
sister
friends
school
free time
freedom
reading
eyesight
i guess there's more than i thought
close to the bone, these days. lets see:
drugs
alcohol
therapy
brother
sister
friends
school
free time
freedom
reading
eyesight
i guess there's more than i thought
mania has its good side
voiceless.
in the times, he was one, one of the many
alone like them all.
impossible.
just so many left, alone.
this is getting programmatic.
problematic, really.
and the influence, undertow.
left late and lonely,
even failure a success.
when the times decree.
uncertain--whether novel or dribble.
heads up, kick ball.
discipline required--hard hat zone.
again, uncertain
"i just can't tell what's good anymore"
say it again, brother
in the times, he was one, one of the many
alone like them all.
impossible.
just so many left, alone.
this is getting programmatic.
problematic, really.
and the influence, undertow.
left late and lonely,
even failure a success.
when the times decree.
uncertain--whether novel or dribble.
heads up, kick ball.
discipline required--hard hat zone.
again, uncertain
"i just can't tell what's good anymore"
say it again, brother
zen and vaseline
products purchased.
forgotten. virtual graveyard of refuse.
refuse it. refuse it all.
and in the middle distance, an annoyance.
subtle as the waves break. subtle as oysters.
been around, been here and there.
nowhere compares to the high felt along the razor's edge.
cutting. it's something better left undiscussed.
and anyway, there's nothing there but pain.
which takes us away.
in search of an ending.
goddard got it right. end in the middle.
critical voice creeps in. the absolute, the subtle oyster.
the image that doesn't want to end.
but it all comes to an end. everything tied off like a pinnace.
peznez. la playa, under neath the beach... what, exactly.
for the french it was easy.
broken, broken revolution. the fifth republic. the third.
and over the ridge, endless rolling.
a sphere meets, and its ends are its beginnings.
if we all were like that--could reach our toes.
and the backhoe. broken.
like glass in the playground.
like the very chiseled inscription, proclaiming nothing
in latin
so no one can read it
save dead romans
and romans at heart.
forgotten. virtual graveyard of refuse.
refuse it. refuse it all.
and in the middle distance, an annoyance.
subtle as the waves break. subtle as oysters.
been around, been here and there.
nowhere compares to the high felt along the razor's edge.
cutting. it's something better left undiscussed.
and anyway, there's nothing there but pain.
which takes us away.
in search of an ending.
goddard got it right. end in the middle.
critical voice creeps in. the absolute, the subtle oyster.
the image that doesn't want to end.
but it all comes to an end. everything tied off like a pinnace.
peznez. la playa, under neath the beach... what, exactly.
for the french it was easy.
broken, broken revolution. the fifth republic. the third.
and over the ridge, endless rolling.
a sphere meets, and its ends are its beginnings.
if we all were like that--could reach our toes.
and the backhoe. broken.
like glass in the playground.
like the very chiseled inscription, proclaiming nothing
in latin
so no one can read it
save dead romans
and romans at heart.
drinking at six in the morning
this is billyburg type behavior.
i haven't seen another human being, sober, since i was fired.
not lonely--something more. deprived. depraved. something like that.
well, you're always here oh, bloggy. dodgey anyway.
wish i knew french.
spanish would be more practical, what with the exam anyway.
which i may fail without feeling anything.
complit. a dream. what i should have been doing, provided i could stand film.
a tall order--where's pete when you need him. dead.
i haven't seen another human being, sober, since i was fired.
not lonely--something more. deprived. depraved. something like that.
well, you're always here oh, bloggy. dodgey anyway.
wish i knew french.
spanish would be more practical, what with the exam anyway.
which i may fail without feeling anything.
complit. a dream. what i should have been doing, provided i could stand film.
a tall order--where's pete when you need him. dead.
so borred
don't quit know what to do with myself.
best clean and shelve. so many books.
haven't seen my little friends in a while--the roommates, cockroaches.
now, don't be like that. almost every place i've lived, since home, has had them.
the joys of student life.
knowing you're never alone.
best clean and shelve. so many books.
haven't seen my little friends in a while--the roommates, cockroaches.
now, don't be like that. almost every place i've lived, since home, has had them.
the joys of student life.
knowing you're never alone.
coffee cream and whiskey
seems about right right now.
little wake me up put me down juice.
don't mean to brag, but all in all, this is not bad writing.
sure, some miss. probably most. but a few gems. for the few.
well, if you're listening. if you've got your ears on, here's to us.
and all you other players.
better hustle. and that goes for us all.
little wake me up put me down juice.
don't mean to brag, but all in all, this is not bad writing.
sure, some miss. probably most. but a few gems. for the few.
well, if you're listening. if you've got your ears on, here's to us.
and all you other players.
better hustle. and that goes for us all.
rostrum
the surprise is genuine.
But i'm sure to bury it in banality. yet those last few posts.
i'd never believe i wrote them. juniper. who would have thought.
so, yes, i'm awake at five. been up for hours.
since about 3 3:30.
well, sleep's been odd.
have the air con on and everything.
surprised. went out into the night.
know this because i have a pack of kents.
and some bar served me. some bar didn't.
such is the life.
such a life. so much promise, so many promises broken.
But i'm sure to bury it in banality. yet those last few posts.
i'd never believe i wrote them. juniper. who would have thought.
so, yes, i'm awake at five. been up for hours.
since about 3 3:30.
well, sleep's been odd.
have the air con on and everything.
surprised. went out into the night.
know this because i have a pack of kents.
and some bar served me. some bar didn't.
such is the life.
such a life. so much promise, so many promises broken.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
this life.
so lonely.
and i know i dump alot of shit on you.
well. that's how it is.
you're alone, even in a sexual relationsip.
but i feel it at the moment. islands. i just wish there were juniper.
undsoveiter. ad nausium. en ho logos. per chsitom dominum et...
vaya con dios.
et totalium los allii, pero , lo siento, de nada de nadna. da todos los playas el quealque ego nos vostrum... que tengo la lengua? adonde, quos ego. it's all in sinu.
sinus. fold therefor thrinity. lap. harbor. sail
thus endeth the lesson.
so lonely.
and i know i dump alot of shit on you.
well. that's how it is.
you're alone, even in a sexual relationsip.
but i feel it at the moment. islands. i just wish there were juniper.
undsoveiter. ad nausium. en ho logos. per chsitom dominum et...
vaya con dios.
et totalium los allii, pero , lo siento, de nada de nadna. da todos los playas el quealque ego nos vostrum... que tengo la lengua? adonde, quos ego. it's all in sinu.
sinus. fold therefor thrinity. lap. harbor. sail
thus endeth the lesson.
rob bucks
sittin drinkin rob bucks.
never knew how feminine that was. but then again, when you're with an 12'' partner, you notice not much.
here's to tall pete, may he ever roam
never knew how feminine that was. but then again, when you're with an 12'' partner, you notice not much.
here's to tall pete, may he ever roam
so, drinking and posting.
supporse it's better than drunk dialing.
still and all, quiet this weekend. for which i am, i suppose greatful.
maybe not the most heartfelt post. maybe not the most informative.
just me. being. doing. and all the illusions, well. that's just the name of the game.
i miss jill, intolerably. if she would just be a part of my life.
but i understand. so many i've blocked.
so many i'd like to.
but, roll.
and most of all
don't embarrass her.
supporse it's better than drunk dialing.
still and all, quiet this weekend. for which i am, i suppose greatful.
maybe not the most heartfelt post. maybe not the most informative.
just me. being. doing. and all the illusions, well. that's just the name of the game.
i miss jill, intolerably. if she would just be a part of my life.
but i understand. so many i've blocked.
so many i'd like to.
but, roll.
and most of all
don't embarrass her.
not moving now
I picked up the domain name for this blog. was thinking about moving before people really saw this--figured i had nothing to loose.
now that i've got a couple of hits (and someone in nyc loves me!), i think i'm going to hang here until i've got a sizable crew who can follow me over there.
and i don't seem to be able to set it up anyway.
jees. almost signed this with my other name.
anonymous coward.
now that i've got a couple of hits (and someone in nyc loves me!), i think i'm going to hang here until i've got a sizable crew who can follow me over there.
and i don't seem to be able to set it up anyway.
jees. almost signed this with my other name.
anonymous coward.
posting away like i'm unemployed
so, had a nightmare.
daymare, really.
woke with a start. sleeps been screwed up lately. have had alarm issues.
was fired in part for this.
so. feeling like i've had too much sleep. feel almost rested.
so i know something's wrong.
get up, look at the clock. damn. missed the train, again.
then i remembered. it's the weekend.
gosh, loosing this job is screwing me up.
daymare, really.
woke with a start. sleeps been screwed up lately. have had alarm issues.
was fired in part for this.
so. feeling like i've had too much sleep. feel almost rested.
so i know something's wrong.
get up, look at the clock. damn. missed the train, again.
then i remembered. it's the weekend.
gosh, loosing this job is screwing me up.
i'm an idiot, but an anonymous one
so, I thought i had a reader.
Kept looking at the map and every time i did, saw that a person from new york was reading this.
wow, my home town and already have a fan.
and of course i do. but it's not who i thought it was.
i mean, who could possibly have read this 44 times. they'd have to be following it from day one. which he was.
then it hit me.
it's me.
so i guess i do have a reader.
Kept looking at the map and every time i did, saw that a person from new york was reading this.
wow, my home town and already have a fan.
and of course i do. but it's not who i thought it was.
i mean, who could possibly have read this 44 times. they'd have to be following it from day one. which he was.
then it hit me.
it's me.
so i guess i do have a reader.
map's back
Obviously, i've got mixed feelings about this one.
for one, it's freaking cool. I mean, it's really cool to see people from all over the world who've looked at the sight.
yes, i know that's vain. But hey, i tell you so much about me, it's nice to know a little about you--the general area you're from, how often you've glanced at this, your social security number... doesn't seem too intrusive.
I took it down last night because i was worried about how it would change the way i write (and more on this in a minute).
Then i thought i could just get by with one of those how-many-times-people-have-seen-this counter.
But i couldn't find one.
so, back to the map.
and as far as how it will change my writing, i think it will make it better. seeing more and more people from different places take the time to merely load the page makes me want it to be better for them.
for one, it's freaking cool. I mean, it's really cool to see people from all over the world who've looked at the sight.
yes, i know that's vain. But hey, i tell you so much about me, it's nice to know a little about you--the general area you're from, how often you've glanced at this, your social security number... doesn't seem too intrusive.
I took it down last night because i was worried about how it would change the way i write (and more on this in a minute).
Then i thought i could just get by with one of those how-many-times-people-have-seen-this counter.
But i couldn't find one.
so, back to the map.
and as far as how it will change my writing, i think it will make it better. seeing more and more people from different places take the time to merely load the page makes me want it to be better for them.
Friday, August 14, 2009
even though i love you
i have to admit that this takes away some of the pain.
to confess.
anonymously.
and i have to tell you about how i fucked up the job i had.
i misinterpreted. which is a big mistake, or it used to be, in my chosen life-persona.
to confess.
anonymously.
and i have to tell you about how i fucked up the job i had.
i misinterpreted. which is a big mistake, or it used to be, in my chosen life-persona.
it's nice to speak to you
just someone out there.
who, for whatever reason, has decided to read these rambling things.
it's nice to talk to you.
who, for whatever reason, has decided to read these rambling things.
it's nice to talk to you.
it just keeps going on and on, so you might as well skim
i think that the pain of loosing a job will hit me tomorrow.
and i'll be all productive.
if it all works out right, i'll finish shelving. clean the apartment and go running.
and then probably feel so good about myself that i'll call friends to go out drinking and get turned down and get as sauced on my own as i am now.
but the pain will come back.
and what will i do with it? make it productive? change my life?
or sink deeper into self-pity?
and i'll be all productive.
if it all works out right, i'll finish shelving. clean the apartment and go running.
and then probably feel so good about myself that i'll call friends to go out drinking and get turned down and get as sauced on my own as i am now.
but the pain will come back.
and what will i do with it? make it productive? change my life?
or sink deeper into self-pity?
my plan
was to get all drunk and shelve books.
but i spent more time doing this than shelving books.
which means that i shelved more books than i would have if i had just meant to shelve books, because i would have turned on the phone and called people.
so atleast i yelled at the interweb instead of bothering people.
but i spent more time doing this than shelving books.
which means that i shelved more books than i would have if i had just meant to shelve books, because i would have turned on the phone and called people.
so atleast i yelled at the interweb instead of bothering people.
samson
`So, i've been smoking this peter shokkere tobac and it's pretty damn fine.
but i ran out.
and i knew i would.
just felt a little bit lazy and the tobacconist (you have to understand the neighborhood i live in-it's wild. my brother and i went out to a romaninan place (forgive me if i'm repeating myself) and got two beers, two appetizers and two entrees for $30 (the food's good) and earlier there my sister and i ate there and she said it was the best trout she'd ever had--and she lives in manhattan).
so the tobacconist has thia smoke wich goes for $7.50, and the leftover i have is samson which goes for $9.50 and it's shit.
but i'm smoking it. because it's what i got.
but i ran out.
and i knew i would.
just felt a little bit lazy and the tobacconist (you have to understand the neighborhood i live in-it's wild. my brother and i went out to a romaninan place (forgive me if i'm repeating myself) and got two beers, two appetizers and two entrees for $30 (the food's good) and earlier there my sister and i ate there and she said it was the best trout she'd ever had--and she lives in manhattan).
so the tobacconist has thia smoke wich goes for $7.50, and the leftover i have is samson which goes for $9.50 and it's shit.
but i'm smoking it. because it's what i got.
hey
so, i just gotta little freaked out, because i was seeing that a couple of people, strangers, really, were reading me.
There's someone out there who's checking things out and although i'm anonymous, i have to admit that i broke down and told someone i was doing this.
so i assumed the person i told was reading it as a way of getting into my mind.
now i see other people actually reading it because...
well, for their own reasons.
so i took down the map thing. i like it better when it's just me writing and responding to the comments.
at first, i just wanted anyone to try and read.
now that i know some have tried, all i want is to go on.
so no more reminders of who's following. it flatters my ego enough to feel that some may chance upon this blog.
really, that's all i want.
not to be writing in oblivion.
so the map served its purpose. it let me know that some were reading.
and for some personal failing in myself, i couldn't continue this unless i knew that from time to time another human being chanced upon it.
but now i know that seems to happen.
so no counter.
no map.
no who last read when.
just back to writing and hoping that something i say will strike a cord with someone else.
which is all this ever was about.
There's someone out there who's checking things out and although i'm anonymous, i have to admit that i broke down and told someone i was doing this.
so i assumed the person i told was reading it as a way of getting into my mind.
now i see other people actually reading it because...
well, for their own reasons.
so i took down the map thing. i like it better when it's just me writing and responding to the comments.
at first, i just wanted anyone to try and read.
now that i know some have tried, all i want is to go on.
so no more reminders of who's following. it flatters my ego enough to feel that some may chance upon this blog.
really, that's all i want.
not to be writing in oblivion.
so the map served its purpose. it let me know that some were reading.
and for some personal failing in myself, i couldn't continue this unless i knew that from time to time another human being chanced upon it.
but now i know that seems to happen.
so no counter.
no map.
no who last read when.
just back to writing and hoping that something i say will strike a cord with someone else.
which is all this ever was about.
drunk and will probably get moree so
so, i found a fault in my shelving.
long story short, i don't have enough.
but i have enough if i include closet space.
double stacked.
because i can put enough room between two rows of books in a closet.
but sober coward put them in the wrong order.
so drunk coward had to fix that.
and he did. yet because books in order are different sizes, plato got unruly. always the attention prostitute, had to handle plato carefully. as he wants it.
long story short, i don't have enough.
but i have enough if i include closet space.
double stacked.
because i can put enough room between two rows of books in a closet.
but sober coward put them in the wrong order.
so drunk coward had to fix that.
and he did. yet because books in order are different sizes, plato got unruly. always the attention prostitute, had to handle plato carefully. as he wants it.
ok i'm really drunk
and didn't even get through shelging.
but for some reason the distinction between wisdom and its other has come up.
and i choose its other.
which requires some explaining.
how can you argue against wisdom.
well, let me explain.
what really is wisdom. it's the pronouncement of the future consequence in some sort of riddle.
when we can figure it our, then, hey, we've got a bit of future knowledge.
it's the only way that the future can speak to the past.
but i don't believe that this can be counted on regularly.
it's mystical. and unless you believe in a benevolent higher power who micro-manages the universe in this way, it simply doesn't work...
but it does.
and here you're right. it does. but it works in the way that superstition works.
that horoscope was true! i was suppose3d to avoid x and emrbase y.
it's the kind of thing that you recognize the truth of after it happens. much like a fortune cookie.
and this is my essential critique of it.
say every pronouncement oracular--every fortune cookie, every horoscope was accurate. imagine this world.
we've got a direct contact with the devine and all means of access to it are true.
every horror scope, every fortune cookie is accurate is written in few words. yet it applies to the uniqueness of my world. How?
because it concentrates truth into few words. it's the same way that god created the world.
and words are ambiguous. that's why, when you were facing the situation, you did not remember the horoscope. you didn't remember the fortune cookie or wise saying. you just acted. and it agreed or didn't agree with what you were doing. and that's why you later judged if it were true or false.
that's because hororscopes and fortune cookies and wisdom are false. we only recognize how important they are after the fact and then we follow them.
now, it's not like the other solution has its problems. it does. as soon as it is articulated, it's good for that moment. to look back on those pronouncements would be folly.
they're like meat in the case. and if you live out in the happy suburbs you don't have this problem. but some places i've lived, you gotta be aware. don't want to take home spoilt meat.
so, what it leaves you with is the hysteric answer. you're making it up as it goes along.
wisdom is passed along to the ages. it gets venerated. worshiped.
otherwise, you're just a hysteric, a cassandra, yelling out into the world that you feel no one understands.
but some do.
but for some reason the distinction between wisdom and its other has come up.
and i choose its other.
which requires some explaining.
how can you argue against wisdom.
well, let me explain.
what really is wisdom. it's the pronouncement of the future consequence in some sort of riddle.
when we can figure it our, then, hey, we've got a bit of future knowledge.
it's the only way that the future can speak to the past.
but i don't believe that this can be counted on regularly.
it's mystical. and unless you believe in a benevolent higher power who micro-manages the universe in this way, it simply doesn't work...
but it does.
and here you're right. it does. but it works in the way that superstition works.
that horoscope was true! i was suppose3d to avoid x and emrbase y.
it's the kind of thing that you recognize the truth of after it happens. much like a fortune cookie.
and this is my essential critique of it.
say every pronouncement oracular--every fortune cookie, every horoscope was accurate. imagine this world.
we've got a direct contact with the devine and all means of access to it are true.
every horror scope, every fortune cookie is accurate is written in few words. yet it applies to the uniqueness of my world. How?
because it concentrates truth into few words. it's the same way that god created the world.
and words are ambiguous. that's why, when you were facing the situation, you did not remember the horoscope. you didn't remember the fortune cookie or wise saying. you just acted. and it agreed or didn't agree with what you were doing. and that's why you later judged if it were true or false.
that's because hororscopes and fortune cookies and wisdom are false. we only recognize how important they are after the fact and then we follow them.
now, it's not like the other solution has its problems. it does. as soon as it is articulated, it's good for that moment. to look back on those pronouncements would be folly.
they're like meat in the case. and if you live out in the happy suburbs you don't have this problem. but some places i've lived, you gotta be aware. don't want to take home spoilt meat.
so, what it leaves you with is the hysteric answer. you're making it up as it goes along.
wisdom is passed along to the ages. it gets venerated. worshiped.
otherwise, you're just a hysteric, a cassandra, yelling out into the world that you feel no one understands.
but some do.
the real purpose of shelving
it makes you think of every book you own.
why?
why isn't this a book i sell/throw away.
maybe you're not like me, but when i go to an apartment (or house, should i be so lucky). the first thing i look at is the books.
used to look behind the mirror in the bathroom, rooting for medications. thought that was the pigeon hole. then found too many behind my own and thought about what they say. rather shallow, really.)
and bookcases say so much more.
so, i was once in the waiting room of a rather expensive complex in chicago land, rather near the lake, and rather near the mag mile. and in the loby books everywhere. but not like you'd expect. covering everything. from the trash pot boilers that may have never been catalogued to things that you've never seen or read about. and the porter cxomes up to you and says, "you know, your're the first person to look at these books. they're decoration."
and you're no, like, it's an archive.
and you know you've been studying too long.
why?
why isn't this a book i sell/throw away.
maybe you're not like me, but when i go to an apartment (or house, should i be so lucky). the first thing i look at is the books.
used to look behind the mirror in the bathroom, rooting for medications. thought that was the pigeon hole. then found too many behind my own and thought about what they say. rather shallow, really.)
and bookcases say so much more.
so, i was once in the waiting room of a rather expensive complex in chicago land, rather near the lake, and rather near the mag mile. and in the loby books everywhere. but not like you'd expect. covering everything. from the trash pot boilers that may have never been catalogued to things that you've never seen or read about. and the porter cxomes up to you and says, "you know, your're the first person to look at these books. they're decoration."
and you're no, like, it's an archive.
and you know you've been studying too long.
yeah, a lot of posts (redux)
sorry.
gotta shut up.
but this one, this one rocks me.
last time i was major manic---and it was...interesting. some things totally awesome. some insights i will carry forward. but, being type two, the lows. dangerous. yet i held them together.
which makes me want to get off the drugs entirely.
not that i think i'll ever be free of the symptoms.
i'll have those episodes. i just believe that the drugs will help me learn lessons necessary for the management of them.
i know from my experience of ativan when to speak and when to be silent. and i used to have a problem with that. not that i disagree with sorrentino's critique of the strong and silent type "silence is the lid of a garbage can".
nough said
gotta shut up.
but this one, this one rocks me.
last time i was major manic---and it was...interesting. some things totally awesome. some insights i will carry forward. but, being type two, the lows. dangerous. yet i held them together.
which makes me want to get off the drugs entirely.
not that i think i'll ever be free of the symptoms.
i'll have those episodes. i just believe that the drugs will help me learn lessons necessary for the management of them.
i know from my experience of ativan when to speak and when to be silent. and i used to have a problem with that. not that i disagree with sorrentino's critique of the strong and silent type "silence is the lid of a garbage can".
nough said
Invisible tonic
So, i know i have this bottle of tonic somewhere.
because when i'm sober, i pull on it.
what can i say, i love the quinine.
anyway, i'm mixin a real G&T. and, god forbid, i have some lime. I need some tonic. And i just went out and bought enough to keep a regiment from acquiring whatever malady one acquires from not having quinine.
but i want to use up the old stuff.
what with knowing the job's going to end, the old proverb use every part of the buffalo, takes on new urgency.
anyway, the stuff was invisible to me for a good five minutes. but i found it.
ah, ben franklin was right, even in matters of getting messed up. patience. what cannot it do, aside from keeping your job (sorry, it's just something alcohol has killed the pain of, but is still on my mind. Amazing how alcohol can do that for us. perhaps that's why it's still legal).
because when i'm sober, i pull on it.
what can i say, i love the quinine.
anyway, i'm mixin a real G&T. and, god forbid, i have some lime. I need some tonic. And i just went out and bought enough to keep a regiment from acquiring whatever malady one acquires from not having quinine.
but i want to use up the old stuff.
what with knowing the job's going to end, the old proverb use every part of the buffalo, takes on new urgency.
anyway, the stuff was invisible to me for a good five minutes. but i found it.
ah, ben franklin was right, even in matters of getting messed up. patience. what cannot it do, aside from keeping your job (sorry, it's just something alcohol has killed the pain of, but is still on my mind. Amazing how alcohol can do that for us. perhaps that's why it's still legal).
take it all back
just forgot which book cases go with what.
an honest intellectual error.
much like observing cold fusion, only to retract it.
(for all those last generation cold warriors out there).
an honest intellectual error.
much like observing cold fusion, only to retract it.
(for all those last generation cold warriors out there).
what the frak is up
ok. my collection is heavily weighted towards ango-american and european ''thought'' for want of a better word.
And my books were arranged at random.
it's either the gods of chance fracking with me, or there is a deficiency of thinkers within this part of the alpha-beta, which means, if your last name is between the two, the world is crying out for you. just gosh darn speak!
And my books were arranged at random.
it's either the gods of chance fracking with me, or there is a deficiency of thinkers within this part of the alpha-beta, which means, if your last name is between the two, the world is crying out for you. just gosh darn speak!
yeah, a lot of posts
so, the shelving is not going.
i'm too wrapped up in this.
but back to pleasurable work.
oh, the trials and tribulations of the graduate school.
you turn what is for others a pleasure into a job.
i'm too wrapped up in this.
but back to pleasurable work.
oh, the trials and tribulations of the graduate school.
you turn what is for others a pleasure into a job.
my dream comp class description
Writing for fun.
This class is extremely experimental.
It breaks down like this. The first third of the class is a series of experiments in writing unlike any other writing class you've ever taken. All response from the instructor will be positive.
The second phase, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignments with experiments. Again, all comments from the instructor will be positive.
In the last third, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignment with traditional ones, but the emphasis will be on traditional ones. Comments made by the instructor will be possitive and constructive criticism.
So, you'll get less of the ''hard knocks'' approach to writing. so some may say you will not learn enough. you certainly won't learn things like what a comma splice is, but it's this instructor's theory that it will work anyway.
And the danger is that you'll be wasting time doing extraneous stuff (according to traditionalists) for much of the term.
but hey, it's writing, and i think it's fun. maybe when you leave, you'll think so to, even if you get a bad grade.
caveat: for those in danger of failing, outside one-on-on tutorials will be made available, depending on your time (initially) and my time (ultimately).
this class is for writers of all levels, but favors those who are self-starters. those who are willing to do more work than is strictly necessary just to fulfill the formal requirements of the class.
This class is extremely experimental.
It breaks down like this. The first third of the class is a series of experiments in writing unlike any other writing class you've ever taken. All response from the instructor will be positive.
The second phase, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignments with experiments. Again, all comments from the instructor will be positive.
In the last third, we'll intersperse traditional writing assignment with traditional ones, but the emphasis will be on traditional ones. Comments made by the instructor will be possitive and constructive criticism.
So, you'll get less of the ''hard knocks'' approach to writing. so some may say you will not learn enough. you certainly won't learn things like what a comma splice is, but it's this instructor's theory that it will work anyway.
And the danger is that you'll be wasting time doing extraneous stuff (according to traditionalists) for much of the term.
but hey, it's writing, and i think it's fun. maybe when you leave, you'll think so to, even if you get a bad grade.
caveat: for those in danger of failing, outside one-on-on tutorials will be made available, depending on your time (initially) and my time (ultimately).
this class is for writers of all levels, but favors those who are self-starters. those who are willing to do more work than is strictly necessary just to fulfill the formal requirements of the class.
this one's boring
Gosh darn frackin motherflippin
Sometimes, even sober, i forget to turn the voice recorder to neutral, and in my pocket it goes off.
So i occasionally get six to eight hours of silence on it.
no big deal, erase.
so, i'm thinking maybe if i heard the last thing i put on the recorder, because i know on that walk i made some recordings (i'm a geek and have been trying not to let any thought, no matter how trivial it seems, go unrecorded. who knows, it may turn into gold. some crazy ideas you toss off do. few. but if you get them all, then you get the good ones.)
Anyway, i'm playing back and silence. so i erase it. and the next one is silence, so i erase it. and the third one...
now i'm getting suspicious. and wouldn't you know it. somehow, i turned the volume off.
forget the job i lost. this is a bad day. got 4 hours of sleep, even with the air con on. maybe i'm manic.
which sucks, because i see the psychiatrist. and when i tell him this, i go up on the med i hate and get farther away from the replacement med i want to take.
life keeps getting better and better.
Sometimes, even sober, i forget to turn the voice recorder to neutral, and in my pocket it goes off.
So i occasionally get six to eight hours of silence on it.
no big deal, erase.
so, i'm thinking maybe if i heard the last thing i put on the recorder, because i know on that walk i made some recordings (i'm a geek and have been trying not to let any thought, no matter how trivial it seems, go unrecorded. who knows, it may turn into gold. some crazy ideas you toss off do. few. but if you get them all, then you get the good ones.)
Anyway, i'm playing back and silence. so i erase it. and the next one is silence, so i erase it. and the third one...
now i'm getting suspicious. and wouldn't you know it. somehow, i turned the volume off.
forget the job i lost. this is a bad day. got 4 hours of sleep, even with the air con on. maybe i'm manic.
which sucks, because i see the psychiatrist. and when i tell him this, i go up on the med i hate and get farther away from the replacement med i want to take.
life keeps getting better and better.
But what doesn't
loosing funding. unstructured depression. loosing a girl you've known for years and dated for six months. batshit crazy psycho-obsessive-girl-you-dated-for-a-little-while stalking you, friend of ten years flipping out at you on your birthday, in public, causing the girl you've known for years and just started dating to leave you (who can blaim her). mom freaking out at you and accusing you of ruining her golden years. finding a job that might lead to a career out of the school rat race only to loose it again, unexpectedly.
All these things fade away with drink.
But what doesn't, loosing an idea.
I was out at the bodega, and had a brilliant post.
now gone.
That'll fuck you up, no matter how drunk you are.
All these things fade away with drink.
But what doesn't, loosing an idea.
I was out at the bodega, and had a brilliant post.
now gone.
That'll fuck you up, no matter how drunk you are.
unlikely bedfellows
Benjamin has this essay--unpacking his library.
That's kind of what i'm doing right now.
after my father died, i kind of half-assed it. unpacked, sure, but i was interested in failure and chaos at the time (now i just experience them) and so i just let different things brush up against eachother.
you'd think interesting things would come of it. but either it doesn't work that way or i was too stupid at the time (and i kind of doubt the latter explanation).
but alpha-beta, well that just can't be beat. irony of the greeks still living with us. check out these two:
descartes with philip dick--totally makes sense.
weber-weil-weiner--crazy-ass psycho, but there might be something there, if i ever get to pull it together.
and if anyone has a book report due (mine's already mapped out "thing to object"--i've got no idea how i got that one working), go ahead and begin where you will.
That's kind of what i'm doing right now.
after my father died, i kind of half-assed it. unpacked, sure, but i was interested in failure and chaos at the time (now i just experience them) and so i just let different things brush up against eachother.
you'd think interesting things would come of it. but either it doesn't work that way or i was too stupid at the time (and i kind of doubt the latter explanation).
but alpha-beta, well that just can't be beat. irony of the greeks still living with us. check out these two:
descartes with philip dick--totally makes sense.
weber-weil-weiner--crazy-ass psycho, but there might be something there, if i ever get to pull it together.
and if anyone has a book report due (mine's already mapped out "thing to object"--i've got no idea how i got that one working), go ahead and begin where you will.
Get ready
I'm thinking I'm posting alot tonight.
The phone's off and I'm finally going to finish shelving books. And i'm drinking whisky.
What could possibly go wrong.
And I'm disappointed, mad, sad and angry. And apparently using the oxford comma, god know's why.
so--here we go. let the fun and games begin.
The phone's off and I'm finally going to finish shelving books. And i'm drinking whisky.
What could possibly go wrong.
And I'm disappointed, mad, sad and angry. And apparently using the oxford comma, god know's why.
so--here we go. let the fun and games begin.
I just lost my job
There goes funding, tuition and healthcare.
And the doubts crawl in. Am I kidding myself? Will I ever earn a degree?
And the thought of not finding another position. After a search. After so much disappointment.
I mean, I can't even spell.
And another year without a position. So much debt, for what?
No vacation now.
Permanent vacation.
I don't think I can go on unemployment while in school.
But i'm going to give it the old college try.
But i'm afraid.
the feeds
scowered the interweb.
not much there, as always. the technology one uses to produce content seems inversly proportional to the quality.
think what homer could do with voice alone.
let alone god with a word--but he's a special case.
not much there, as always. the technology one uses to produce content seems inversly proportional to the quality.
think what homer could do with voice alone.
let alone god with a word--but he's a special case.
Mom's getting help
I try not to read the things mom sends me.
too upsetting.
but she wrote me that she's made an appointment with her old therapist, dr. phil--not the abusive one from tv--and i'm very glad. for her and for me.
i'm sure that there will be more outbursts of anger from her and from me, but these are the kinds of things you have to work through, as you well know.
take care.
too upsetting.
but she wrote me that she's made an appointment with her old therapist, dr. phil--not the abusive one from tv--and i'm very glad. for her and for me.
i'm sure that there will be more outbursts of anger from her and from me, but these are the kinds of things you have to work through, as you well know.
take care.
Shout out to the Holy Land
Hey,
So excited. That map thing--it showed me that someone from Israel viewed my blog. And the embarrasing poetry post at that!
How exciting.
It's really wierd, though, how do people find this thing?
Anyway, whoever you are over there, all my best.
And peace.
So excited. That map thing--it showed me that someone from Israel viewed my blog. And the embarrasing poetry post at that!
How exciting.
It's really wierd, though, how do people find this thing?
Anyway, whoever you are over there, all my best.
And peace.
Note taking
Good thing over at Lifehacker (http://lifehacker.com/index.xml):
Advice for taking notes (http://lifehacker.com/5335881/five-classic-ways-to-boost-your-note+taking).
I was going to post this for students, but really, it works for anyone.
Advice for taking notes (http://lifehacker.com/5335881/five-classic-ways-to-boost-your-note+taking).
I was going to post this for students, but really, it works for anyone.
It's funny
You'd think going through stuff would make you hard. And it does. On your self. But it also makes you more empathetic toward others.
early, or late
Hi.
I've been trying, without much success, to get the new site going. It just escapes me how to get it running.
I'm sure it's something simple, like making a folder that says 'web' or something.
don't make fun of me, i only run computer support for a small office.
and maintain their website.
it's not like i should know how to do this.
I've been trying, without much success, to get the new site going. It just escapes me how to get it running.
I'm sure it's something simple, like making a folder that says 'web' or something.
don't make fun of me, i only run computer support for a small office.
and maintain their website.
it's not like i should know how to do this.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
going to do a number
of course, without dope.
or the illegal kind, anyway.
doing some seroquel, ativan and lamictal. all wrapped around lovely tobac.
my friend.
so it should do a number on me.
ce la vie.
nonesuch
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
preaching
I know. it's one of those things.
no matter how successful you are. no matter how smart. no matter how tough.
it doesn't freaking matter.
you're crazy.
you're discounted.
and there comes a certain humility. which you're grateful for. but you wish everyone had.
no matter how successful you are. no matter how smart. no matter how tough.
it doesn't freaking matter.
you're crazy.
you're discounted.
and there comes a certain humility. which you're grateful for. but you wish everyone had.
look i ain' trying tgo tive you the fortune and fame.
let me cut it short.
mother flippers...
now i'm hearing stuff. and i know that's new. at least i know that's in my mind.
gosh darn.
and i know i'm not supposed to be hearing things. it's freaking scary.
i know i'll make it. i just don't know how much longer i'll be me.
let me cut it short.
mother flippers...
now i'm hearing stuff. and i know that's new. at least i know that's in my mind.
gosh darn.
and i know i'm not supposed to be hearing things. it's freaking scary.
i know i'll make it. i just don't know how much longer i'll be me.
go god garn
All that sheit that the xians say about blasheme... they say things like sugar when they mean human excrement and when they say f@uck, they mean the unlawful understanding of another.
so, just understand it is the intent, not the expression. and when they get all higher than you, drop a safe on them and see what comes out of theiri mouths
i know it woun't be grammatically correct...
andy maybe, probably i shouldn't have another.
but i will.
and to all who my be listening..
so, just understand it is the intent, not the expression. and when they get all higher than you, drop a safe on them and see what comes out of theiri mouths
i know it woun't be grammatically correct...
andy maybe, probably i shouldn't have another.
but i will.
and to all who my be listening..
I', mad bad and drunk.
damn you. damn you reader. go and read somewhere alone.
and i'm sick of your advice.
i know perfectly well how i'm fucking up my life.
and you're right.
which gets easier and easier to say; as the compassion erodes.
dog gad damn.
all my life.
spilled out on paper.
no.
i hate egerhing and o can't tu[e anymore
damn you. damn you reader. go and read somewhere alone.
and i'm sick of your advice.
i know perfectly well how i'm fucking up my life.
and you're right.
which gets easier and easier to say; as the compassion erodes.
dog gad damn.
all my life.
spilled out on paper.
no.
i hate egerhing and o can't tu[e anymore
love conquers all
trite truism.
and that's all she wrote.
these things suck. time to smoke some ativan.
and that's all she wrote.
these things suck. time to smoke some ativan.
Untitled
I'm.. well, under the influence.
And frustrated that i can't do something as simple as post.
on the new site.
maybe when i'm not drunk.
dunno, feel like things have been boring lately.
well, guess that means less drama.
more organization!
And frustrated that i can't do something as simple as post.
on the new site.
maybe when i'm not drunk.
dunno, feel like things have been boring lately.
well, guess that means less drama.
more organization!
Hey, drunk again
Good news, I've just got a domain.
And it's pretty sweet.
www.mad-drunk-and-broke.com
cool no one took my domain. course, why would they want to.
eventually, once i've got it set up, i'll direct you all that way.
they say i can handle it.
And it's pretty sweet.
www.mad-drunk-and-broke.com
cool no one took my domain. course, why would they want to.
eventually, once i've got it set up, i'll direct you all that way.
they say i can handle it.
For those long suffering students
Hey.
There's a pretty cool post (http://lifehacker.com/5334886/getting-things-done-explained-for-students) over at lifehacker (http://lifehacker.com/).
It's how to get GTD working for students.
Really wish I had this when I was in college. What a mess. Studied all the time.
It was ok, and I slowed down after my first year. But worked so hard then, I lost 10 pounds in 12 weeks. 130, the lowest I've ever been in my life.
Anyway, this one is for the students, not for me.
Enjoy!
There's a pretty cool post (http://lifehacker.com/5334886/getting-things-done-explained-for-students) over at lifehacker (http://lifehacker.com/).
It's how to get GTD working for students.
Really wish I had this when I was in college. What a mess. Studied all the time.
It was ok, and I slowed down after my first year. But worked so hard then, I lost 10 pounds in 12 weeks. 130, the lowest I've ever been in my life.
Anyway, this one is for the students, not for me.
Enjoy!
Meditations
All this new fame has me wondering--why would anyone want to read this. And I have some ideas:
experience: I have some. Not exactly unique experience, but maybe that's a good thing.
Not totally clueless: I know a few things: been around the block a few times. Know a good romanian place.
Wisdom: I hate it . Think it's psychotic. It's like a horoscope or a fortune cookie. You recognize the truth of it after the fact.
Truth: I guess this is kind of confessional, and as we know from foulault (sp), that's a technology for truth-production.
Not entirely an attension seeker: this is anonymous and that counts for something.
I could go on, but don't want to tire you.
Wow, somebody read my blog
actually, TWO people read some of it. and someone read it four times. wow.
i guess it's kind of like those million monkeys writing shakespeare. post enough and...
It's not really a secrete. I think there's this little map to the right which says where they came from. And if you think that's creepy, you can use a proxy. or if that's too geeky, i can take it down... unless i'm the only one that can see it. then it's really creepy and i'll take it down.
not really sure how the fame's going to change me. i'll try and keep it real.
suppose being anonymous will help there.
and sorry for the lack of posts yesterday. the day kind of got away from me.
and i suppose the lack of readers may have been getting to me.
but no longer.
i guess it's kind of like those million monkeys writing shakespeare. post enough and...
It's not really a secrete. I think there's this little map to the right which says where they came from. And if you think that's creepy, you can use a proxy. or if that's too geeky, i can take it down... unless i'm the only one that can see it. then it's really creepy and i'll take it down.
not really sure how the fame's going to change me. i'll try and keep it real.
suppose being anonymous will help there.
and sorry for the lack of posts yesterday. the day kind of got away from me.
and i suppose the lack of readers may have been getting to me.
but no longer.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Missed the train
So i'm going to bw late to work, but not too late.
Well, that's just how we roll.
A little frightened to see what I posted last night.
Well, I guess that's just how we roll.
Monday, August 10, 2009
It's late.
not much to say here.
So I got this one, brother:
the burning of desire--
brother, i've felt it to
I was of you--one of the many
lusting and burning
a rough neck
one of the toughs
who sought expression
in line and harmony.
So drunk
saw the erstwhile girl.
bittersweet, as you would imagine.
she's good. seems in good spirits.
well, aren't we all.
makes me sad, much like everything these days.
extra credit in heaven.
bittersweet, as you would imagine.
she's good. seems in good spirits.
well, aren't we all.
makes me sad, much like everything these days.
extra credit in heaven.
Bored at Work
Yeah, I probably new this was going to happen.
Doing nothing leads to boredom. But that's no reason why I should do things associated with my job!
I've got some david allen audio--maybe digitize some notes and listen to the master. Though, i find (and probably could predicted that) it's not as jam-packed as GTD.
Well, what are you going to do. Still, there are scraps there which make the filtering worth while.
Yet, boy is the interweb full of crap.
On a totally unrelated note, I've been thinking about the tone of this blog.
At first, I wanted it to sound more like the blogs I admire.
But then, thinking about it, the pseudo--personal style of these things began to bother me, especially when I though about writing that way.
And although I had problems at first writing such personal stuff, I've since made some peace with it. I figure, if you don't like it, don't read it.
And there's more than enough non-personal stuff here--whether or not it's helpful, well, that's another issue.
And I like that posts tend to vary in length. Sometimes, all you want is a sentence, and other times, the whole loaf.
Doing nothing leads to boredom. But that's no reason why I should do things associated with my job!
I've got some david allen audio--maybe digitize some notes and listen to the master. Though, i find (and probably could predicted that) it's not as jam-packed as GTD.
Well, what are you going to do. Still, there are scraps there which make the filtering worth while.
Yet, boy is the interweb full of crap.
On a totally unrelated note, I've been thinking about the tone of this blog.
At first, I wanted it to sound more like the blogs I admire.
But then, thinking about it, the pseudo--personal style of these things began to bother me, especially when I though about writing that way.
And although I had problems at first writing such personal stuff, I've since made some peace with it. I figure, if you don't like it, don't read it.
And there's more than enough non-personal stuff here--whether or not it's helpful, well, that's another issue.
And I like that posts tend to vary in length. Sometimes, all you want is a sentence, and other times, the whole loaf.
Work
So, made it to work. Not that there was much doubt.
Still, it is a Monday and I'm here. And my boss isn't. Again. Not that I really care--nothing doing so critical that I need him.
In fact, not much doing at all.
I've been reading blogs, updating my software and just in general goofing off.
Well, that's fine with me.
Still, it is a Monday and I'm here. And my boss isn't. Again. Not that I really care--nothing doing so critical that I need him.
In fact, not much doing at all.
I've been reading blogs, updating my software and just in general goofing off.
Well, that's fine with me.
Off
Off to school and work.
I don't usually work on Mondays, but have to make up a day--took a day when went to see momster. But less said about that the better.
Mornings are fun for me. I enjoy getting up early. Washing, drinking coffee interwebbing--it's all fun.
And I like taking a moment to get my shit together.
It's odd--I washing and thinking and had a good one, but now I can't remeber it. They system in all inclusive. Wonder what capture tools David Allen uses in the shower.
I don't usually work on Mondays, but have to make up a day--took a day when went to see momster. But less said about that the better.
Mornings are fun for me. I enjoy getting up early. Washing, drinking coffee interwebbing--it's all fun.
And I like taking a moment to get my shit together.
It's odd--I washing and thinking and had a good one, but now I can't remeber it. They system in all inclusive. Wonder what capture tools David Allen uses in the shower.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
lacanian terminology
lots of people get tripped up by this.
lacanian terminology:
for starters:
mirror stage
real-imaginary-symbolic
petit object a
the big Other
well, that's enough for a start
mirror stage--one of the first. human babies are not fully developed at birth. they are in the real. but they loose that.
lacanian terminology:
for starters:
mirror stage
real-imaginary-symbolic
petit object a
the big Other
well, that's enough for a start
mirror stage--one of the first. human babies are not fully developed at birth. they are in the real. but they loose that.
dinner
so, meeting the brother man for dinner. he's coming here, actually.
we're going to hit this korean place down the road. awesome. they do barbeque, but over real wood, not gas.
i don't know why, but i feel the need to be totally honest here. i guess it has something to do with being anynomous, and we all put up with so much bs out there in the world, so many lies.
Anyway, i don't know how well i succeed. but i try.
anyway, hope you're well and talk soon.
we're going to hit this korean place down the road. awesome. they do barbeque, but over real wood, not gas.
i don't know why, but i feel the need to be totally honest here. i guess it has something to do with being anynomous, and we all put up with so much bs out there in the world, so many lies.
Anyway, i don't know how well i succeed. but i try.
anyway, hope you're well and talk soon.
Ugh
Sticky. Not talking about my crotch. Not that it matters. But weather.
Well, you don't need to be a weatherman to tell which way the wind's blowing. But to blow your self up, better ask a weatherman.
Begin with bernadet dorn.
morning, sunshine
Well, hello there.
whooh. did a number last night--not a jay, well, not dope anyway--.
it's been a good run. not that i'm retiring. too early for that, and i've got work to do.
still and all, it's been fun, these last few days with you.
and, well, sometimes it's just plain and.
that said, let's gear up. fall's a cummin, as the old poet said.
must have, haven't they said everything?
and i know, that was the dread comma splice. never thought i'd admit it. say lovey.
so, just you and me kid. let's make it a good one.
whooh. did a number last night--not a jay, well, not dope anyway--.
it's been a good run. not that i'm retiring. too early for that, and i've got work to do.
still and all, it's been fun, these last few days with you.
and, well, sometimes it's just plain and.
that said, let's gear up. fall's a cummin, as the old poet said.
must have, haven't they said everything?
and i know, that was the dread comma splice. never thought i'd admit it. say lovey.
so, just you and me kid. let's make it a good one.
Sorry
I suppose (interweb down; can't check) last few posts incomprehensible.
Sorry. Smoked a little bit of ativan last night.
Actually smoked a LOT of ativan.
And on booze, which i'm not supposed to do.
Well, i'm alive.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Frystratwd
All I want to sya is this.
Tauto.ogy.
And i'm frikin frusrated.
All there I'd. Allthe calvibinist god promised us...
but what do you care
normally i wouldn't do this (yeah, right)
i'm tnt dynamite.
how'd i go in a moment from serenely praying for peace and love to borderline rageaholic behavior?
Give you two guesses and the first one doesn't count. that's right, momster.
she's been active today. one voice mail, one email.
and i can't stand it.
makes me flipping mad. talked to the shrink about it and he wants me to go the hard way. which i'm trying for both of our sakes.
but motherflippin what's a brother got to do to be left alone?
after all, i made my bed.
of course, when i was picking the womb, couldn't really help the fact that i'm colorblind (well, not any more).
and you know, this helps me. and if it doesn't help you, just ignore it. this post or everything i have to say. choice is yours.
so, here's where we find ourselves. something like fourty some hours away from therapy, getting stoned on wine (slowly) and waiting for anyone to return my phone calls. (actually got my new jersey connection--said he'd get me back after unpacks and showers).
maybe romanian tonight. but eating out twice in one day seems a little decadent when i've got something like $380 in the bank (not sure that--did i unwittingly pay rent this month?)
so, so, so...
guess i'm all tuckered out.
i suppose three posts in as many minutes will do that.
to end on a high note--well, let's just keep this between you and me--i'm generally not happy with recent developments in south east asia, if you know what i mean.
how'd i go in a moment from serenely praying for peace and love to borderline rageaholic behavior?
Give you two guesses and the first one doesn't count. that's right, momster.
she's been active today. one voice mail, one email.
and i can't stand it.
makes me flipping mad. talked to the shrink about it and he wants me to go the hard way. which i'm trying for both of our sakes.
but motherflippin what's a brother got to do to be left alone?
after all, i made my bed.
of course, when i was picking the womb, couldn't really help the fact that i'm colorblind (well, not any more).
and you know, this helps me. and if it doesn't help you, just ignore it. this post or everything i have to say. choice is yours.
so, here's where we find ourselves. something like fourty some hours away from therapy, getting stoned on wine (slowly) and waiting for anyone to return my phone calls. (actually got my new jersey connection--said he'd get me back after unpacks and showers).
maybe romanian tonight. but eating out twice in one day seems a little decadent when i've got something like $380 in the bank (not sure that--did i unwittingly pay rent this month?)
so, so, so...
guess i'm all tuckered out.
i suppose three posts in as many minutes will do that.
to end on a high note--well, let's just keep this between you and me--i'm generally not happy with recent developments in south east asia, if you know what i mean.
another already?
well, yes.
called everyone in the phonebook, left messages. must want to say something.
But this is important.
tobacco.
And something like 75-90 per centum of us smoke, so here goes.
I handroll. The options are not as limited as you might believe, even stopping by the local bodega, there's choices.
What do i smoke these days? well, i cycle (ha ha).
The old standby, drum, i don't do much of anymore. Used to be jester, but can't remember the last time. do sampson from time to time. bally shag more frequently.
but i've got some new stuff, which is both cheaper and awesomer. it's Peter Stokkebre. Awesome smoke. made in denmark, so you know it's good.
mostly get the shag cut, but admire the straight cut when the tobac's right.
Anyway, Stokkerbrye--it's a darn fine smoke. even, a little rich. tobac's a beautiful deep brown and rolls smooth and tight. and it's moist. not only because the local tobacconist keeps it in the humidor, but it's sealed that way.
of course, the all time heavy weight champion is old holborne. but good luck finding that. last i checked, a bag from england went for something like fifty quid. ouch.
still and all, once i'm flush (if ever) going to order me up some (and insure the stuffing out of it). because it's such a fine smoke.
if you can lay your hands on it, do. you won't regret it.
well and all, all things come to an end. such as this post.
may peace be with you. and may you find love that passeth all understanding.
called everyone in the phonebook, left messages. must want to say something.
But this is important.
tobacco.
And something like 75-90 per centum of us smoke, so here goes.
I handroll. The options are not as limited as you might believe, even stopping by the local bodega, there's choices.
What do i smoke these days? well, i cycle (ha ha).
The old standby, drum, i don't do much of anymore. Used to be jester, but can't remember the last time. do sampson from time to time. bally shag more frequently.
but i've got some new stuff, which is both cheaper and awesomer. it's Peter Stokkebre. Awesome smoke. made in denmark, so you know it's good.
mostly get the shag cut, but admire the straight cut when the tobac's right.
Anyway, Stokkerbrye--it's a darn fine smoke. even, a little rich. tobac's a beautiful deep brown and rolls smooth and tight. and it's moist. not only because the local tobacconist keeps it in the humidor, but it's sealed that way.
of course, the all time heavy weight champion is old holborne. but good luck finding that. last i checked, a bag from england went for something like fifty quid. ouch.
still and all, once i'm flush (if ever) going to order me up some (and insure the stuffing out of it). because it's such a fine smoke.
if you can lay your hands on it, do. you won't regret it.
well and all, all things come to an end. such as this post.
may peace be with you. and may you find love that passeth all understanding.
Maybe Next Time
Hey.
Guess I don't need the salutation, but I'm still new to this whole thing.
Well, didn't make it out of town today. Ipod died on me, right after lunch (which was rather kickass--went to the peruvian chicken place. Awesomebinladen)
Anyway, chillin. Some death metal (death) just popped up on shuffle and i'm thinking i'm going to leave it on.
use to listen to this every morning before going to caddy. made good money, but... well, let's say that golf doesn't always bring out the best in people. but i had my life threatened only once, so all in all a good experience.
one to grow on.
Well, not much more than that. watched a bad movie. napped, which was totally sweet, and now just sittin, trying like a mofo not to tweak, and trying not to pop an ativan because the therapist says shouldn't drink on it, and i'm sitting here chilling with a glass of pino.
such is life.
is clonopin different in this respect? because pdoc (not sure i'm using this correctly) says that we may start on that because, hey, who doesn't need another psychoactive pharmasutical (can't believe I spelled that right) these days.
so enjoy the weekend. unfortunately today is overcase--yesterday was the best day of the summer and it was nice to be out on the island to see it.
well, signing off. for now. best.
Guess I don't need the salutation, but I'm still new to this whole thing.
Well, didn't make it out of town today. Ipod died on me, right after lunch (which was rather kickass--went to the peruvian chicken place. Awesomebinladen)
Anyway, chillin. Some death metal (death) just popped up on shuffle and i'm thinking i'm going to leave it on.
use to listen to this every morning before going to caddy. made good money, but... well, let's say that golf doesn't always bring out the best in people. but i had my life threatened only once, so all in all a good experience.
one to grow on.
Well, not much more than that. watched a bad movie. napped, which was totally sweet, and now just sittin, trying like a mofo not to tweak, and trying not to pop an ativan because the therapist says shouldn't drink on it, and i'm sitting here chilling with a glass of pino.
such is life.
is clonopin different in this respect? because pdoc (not sure i'm using this correctly) says that we may start on that because, hey, who doesn't need another psychoactive pharmasutical (can't believe I spelled that right) these days.
so enjoy the weekend. unfortunately today is overcase--yesterday was the best day of the summer and it was nice to be out on the island to see it.
well, signing off. for now. best.
Well, not quite
Unless you mean psychically, on the astral plane or something, I'm still here. Queens sweet Queens.
So I didn't make it. Ipod died. Can't take long trip without tunes.
So I'm home. Just finished watching stupid movie and cannot describe how I feel, that that i feel remarkable or anything. Just bored and something else--Weltschmerz(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weltschmerz)--
Well, don't exactly know. Know I'm hunger, but not sure going to eat. Maybe drink it out.
It's odd having the phone off. Part of me wants to keep it off--afraid of what messages (or no messages) it may contain. But it seems odd that society expects us to be constantly on call like that. The phone interrupts us and we gladly stop and answer, no matter what we're doing. And we pay for that. Totally inexplicable. Wonder if bell knew what kind of hell he was unleashing upon the earth. ahoy-hoy.
Well, you can't do that with a moneygram.
And now, all this time before I have to go to work, not that that has anything to do with what i'm saying. Did I mention i know how to say non sequitor in 37 languages, and non of them are english?
So I didn't make it. Ipod died. Can't take long trip without tunes.
So I'm home. Just finished watching stupid movie and cannot describe how I feel, that that i feel remarkable or anything. Just bored and something else--Weltschmerz(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weltschmerz)--
Well, don't exactly know. Know I'm hunger, but not sure going to eat. Maybe drink it out.
It's odd having the phone off. Part of me wants to keep it off--afraid of what messages (or no messages) it may contain. But it seems odd that society expects us to be constantly on call like that. The phone interrupts us and we gladly stop and answer, no matter what we're doing. And we pay for that. Totally inexplicable. Wonder if bell knew what kind of hell he was unleashing upon the earth. ahoy-hoy.
Well, you can't do that with a moneygram.
And now, all this time before I have to go to work, not that that has anything to do with what i'm saying. Did I mention i know how to say non sequitor in 37 languages, and non of them are english?
Outty Yall
So, heading to the port authority.
See how far $20 gets me.
Unplugging for a bit. Bringing the machine, no phone, minimal baggage--drugs.
Philly--no way.
Dc? Be good to see my girl down there.
Upstate? For real. No NJ for me.
See ya on the flip side
See how far $20 gets me.
Unplugging for a bit. Bringing the machine, no phone, minimal baggage--drugs.
Philly--no way.
Dc? Be good to see my girl down there.
Upstate? For real. No NJ for me.
See ya on the flip side
Friday, August 7, 2009
poem--natural is a euphism for ugly
the burning fires of desire
brother i've felt them too
i was as you are--
one of the many
lusting and burning
a rough neck
one of the toughs
who saught expression
in line and verse
harmony, if you will
brother i've felt them too
i was as you are--
one of the many
lusting and burning
a rough neck
one of the toughs
who saught expression
in line and verse
harmony, if you will
The Lonelyist Time
Hey, if you're listening, just give me a ping.
sorry to be so pathetic. but left the phone off for 14 hours.
had a good time, don't get me wrong.
just give a ping if you're listening.
and i'll get by. irreguardless.
sorry to be so pathetic. but left the phone off for 14 hours.
had a good time, don't get me wrong.
just give a ping if you're listening.
and i'll get by. irreguardless.
Guest post--mm
I have to admit, I like the coward.
Just having him around.
He's good people. Tells it like it is. Even though he's a degree removed--he gets everything from me, i experience, he narrates, comments, writes.
Though he's new, he's reaching out. Establishing a presence. Doing. Moving and shaking--well, you get the picture.
And I'd love to sit down and have a beer with him--though it would be a little too philip k. dick, too horse-lover fat.
One of these days, the coward's going to come out the closet, so to speak.
Till then, we just listen to him preach.
Just having him around.
He's good people. Tells it like it is. Even though he's a degree removed--he gets everything from me, i experience, he narrates, comments, writes.
Though he's new, he's reaching out. Establishing a presence. Doing. Moving and shaking--well, you get the picture.
And I'd love to sit down and have a beer with him--though it would be a little too philip k. dick, too horse-lover fat.
One of these days, the coward's going to come out the closet, so to speak.
Till then, we just listen to him preach.
I'm a little scared to post this
Hey,
It's been an incredible two months. So much has changed. So much has happened. Hard to imagine what hasn't, save moving house. Which I may soon do.
First, I clarified my relationship with my therapist. Then began to get my act together by cleaning. Then changed psychiatrist. Then began GTD in ernest (no easy act, as you well know).
Then changed drugs. Geodone, Seroquel, Lamictal, Ativan. And may move to Abilify, and one other Clonopin (sp)?
Then things began to roll, in large part due to dumb luck.
I was unemployed, depressed, going nowhere fast (save the hospital or, shudder, the grave). Got my job on. Loving it. Great boss. Great colleagues, great... well, you name it.
Then began the hardships.
First, the crazy girl I was dating freaked when I broke it off. One month we were together. No commitment. Low key. Once, maybe twice a week. She freaked. Called me hundreds of times over 2.5 days. Unbelievable, or so I thought.
Fastforward two weeks. 33 birthday. Small, cute bar. Good food. Sister, Brother-in-law, new girl just started dating.
Well, now ex-friend shows up. Good at first. Then he unloads. Just a freaking long tirade. I don't even know what he's saying. I don't even notice when every one but me and him leave. I just put my head down, like I've passed out, hoping he'll just go away. He does, after about 5 minutes and two passes. Keep the head down for 5 more--lest we show up on the same train or something.
Well, that's over. 10 years I've known him. Inexplicable. Or, so I thought.
Fastforward to this week. What was it--Tuesday? Well, Momster calls. And if you want to know more--just look down. It's all there, posted as it was happening.
Well, one of the nicest parts of it all is writing this blog.
And looking back on this post, I'm no longer afraid.
Not bad for an anonymous coward.
It's been an incredible two months. So much has changed. So much has happened. Hard to imagine what hasn't, save moving house. Which I may soon do.
First, I clarified my relationship with my therapist. Then began to get my act together by cleaning. Then changed psychiatrist. Then began GTD in ernest (no easy act, as you well know).
Then changed drugs. Geodone, Seroquel, Lamictal, Ativan. And may move to Abilify, and one other Clonopin (sp)?
Then things began to roll, in large part due to dumb luck.
I was unemployed, depressed, going nowhere fast (save the hospital or, shudder, the grave). Got my job on. Loving it. Great boss. Great colleagues, great... well, you name it.
Then began the hardships.
First, the crazy girl I was dating freaked when I broke it off. One month we were together. No commitment. Low key. Once, maybe twice a week. She freaked. Called me hundreds of times over 2.5 days. Unbelievable, or so I thought.
Fastforward two weeks. 33 birthday. Small, cute bar. Good food. Sister, Brother-in-law, new girl just started dating.
Well, now ex-friend shows up. Good at first. Then he unloads. Just a freaking long tirade. I don't even know what he's saying. I don't even notice when every one but me and him leave. I just put my head down, like I've passed out, hoping he'll just go away. He does, after about 5 minutes and two passes. Keep the head down for 5 more--lest we show up on the same train or something.
Well, that's over. 10 years I've known him. Inexplicable. Or, so I thought.
Fastforward to this week. What was it--Tuesday? Well, Momster calls. And if you want to know more--just look down. It's all there, posted as it was happening.
Well, one of the nicest parts of it all is writing this blog.
And looking back on this post, I'm no longer afraid.
Not bad for an anonymous coward.
Shout out to the Southern Hemisphere
Just wanted to say again how awesome BiPolar Etcetera is.
The guy rocks. I don't care how often he posts, there's a huge number of old ones I haven't read, and they all seem to be quality.
So keep it going, BiPolar guy. And I am really interested in Topamax (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topamax)--don't usually ask the psychiatrist to perscribe me what I want--figures he knows; but the press seems good on Topamax, so just might ask.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/BipolarDaily
The guy rocks. I don't care how often he posts, there's a huge number of old ones I haven't read, and they all seem to be quality.
So keep it going, BiPolar guy. And I am really interested in Topamax (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topamax)--don't usually ask the psychiatrist to perscribe me what I want--figures he knows; but the press seems good on Topamax, so just might ask.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/BipolarDaily
Fun Fun Fun
One of the neat things about setting this up is I get an excuse to look at all these cool blogs. So, when I say I'm following those blogs on the left, that's not quite true.
I'd like to follow them. And maybe I will.
Sorry about the white lie.
I'd like to follow them. And maybe I will.
Sorry about the white lie.
Stolen from BiPolar Etcetera
"Bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnostic category describing a class of mood disorders in which the person experiences clinical depression and/or mania, hypomania, and/or mixed states. The disorder can cause great distress among those afflicted and those living with them. Left untreated, bipolar disorder can be a disabling condition, with a high risk of death through suicide."
"The difference between bipolar disorder and unipolar disorder (also called major depression) is that bipolar disorder involves both elevated and depressive mood states. The duration and intensity of mood states varies widely among people with BiPolar disorder. Fluctuating from one mood state to the next is called "cycling". Mood swings can cause impairment or improved functioning depending on their direction (up or down) and severity (mild to severe). There can be changes in one's energy level, sleep pattern, activity level, social rhythms and cognitive functioning. Some people with Bipolar disorder may have difficulty functioning during these times."
- Wikipedia.orgThanks man. After all, bad poets borrow, good poets steal.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
imagined conversation
"You need to do this and this."
"Why?"
"What do you mean?"
"You tell me."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe you shouldn't be giving orders about things you don't understand."
"Of what? This? Help me--I don't understand"
"And what do we do when we don't understand? Ask the gods of the city? of the hearth? Seek answers in the poems of our ancestors? Refuge in courts of law? In the words of the demagogue? Where do we begin?"
"And how shall we presume?"
"Now you're talkin' my language, brother--
School-the forgotten country
It's been so messed up lately, I can't remember the last time I did school work.
Which is very bad. Exams get closer each day and I fall further behind each day.
I just need a little peace and quiet. But it doesn't feel like that will ever happen.
Enough complaining for now--going to bitch to the therapist later.
Reflections on the Momster
Well, here's something I've yet to hear David Allen address: not everyone can handle the new you.
People put others into roles. There's nothing unusual about this--like it or not, we all do. See, according to some, we can only deal with objects, not people. So, people become objects.
Enough arm chair psychology. Momster's flippin. I think in part because I'm doing so well.
When I tried to drop out of school a few years ago, because it was making me crazier than i am now, mom was all "school, school, school."
Now that I can do it, well....
Funny, that. You can't always get what you want, as the stones say, but you can get what you need--provided you no longer need it.
School isn't the problem. Work isn't the problem. Drugs aren't the problem. Am I the problem? Sure, I'm a large part of it. But I'm workin on it. And I'm changing my circumstances.
Caelum non animum mutat, sed caelum mutat.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
just so you don't think i'm a total monster
i do love mom.
and i don't want to make her suffer.
but she'd do well to follow her own advice.
especially about getting help and taking care of her self.
i hope she does.
and she supports me, finantially and emotionally.
but i hope to cut the money ties soon.
just to post more...the conclusion
it's good. she's finally not getting me.
i feel invulnerable.
poor mom.
well, pour again, the total honesty.
she just can't take it when i'm sucessful.
it feels like she .. she might win.
her nag might outlast my anger.
maybe i'm actually learning something. when to be silent.
how much is the doctorate worth. right now, a hell of a lot.
think. what else do i do.
this is getting better. she's running out of ammo.
i'm winning. she'll get tired.
manipulating--that's one i can't get around.
to point out the contradiction is death.
because it has to do with honesty.
poor me--she's diggin out the big guns.
start thinkin--about others and about what you're doing.
i'm not giving way to my desire, but i'm just learning how to answer the right things.
i'm totally winning.
i almost won. and i'm winning now.
she's got nothing. i'm winning.
she's totally losing. i'm winning.
i won.
unassisted goal.
for now
because I need more to worry about, mom called.
total guilt trip.
sorry if this one's negative. just sayin
she wants me to take more responsibility. because... well, because... if i were you i'd talk to the philly shrink.
not that you're listening.
because you just do what you want. and i encourage it by responding.
well, i've got my armor on. and it's never like you listened anyway.
this one is too negative.
jezus. i don't like takin the name of the loard in vain.
and i don't want to get all wrapped up.
so why even respond.
the truth. it's an interesting to mom. she wants me to reaffirm what she already says. to totally fold. and i don't know what to say.
so fucking pissed.
yeah, i know it's my fault.
and it's my fault i'm wastin all my tallents.
so i'm not bein honest.
sorry for the length.
manipulation--another key term for mom.
god, i'm so embarrased by this post. guess that's why it's anonymous and i'm a coward.
you worry--it's a long way past that.
do you actually want to know how you can help me?
you don't know where the anger is? well.
one little positive--know how you can help me--be like my homegirl in dc--empathy not advice.
yeah, you're right, i don't know jack stuff about myself.
i know nothin.
again be honest.
you make me want to cut myself, but i'm not a teenage girl.
end point.
how do i get out of this conversation as fast as i can without comprimizing (sp) myself.
don't you have other things to do?
guess not.
there are others. that's true. lately, aside from some good ones, they've been makin themselves known.
again, how do i get out.
i'm not going to fold on the honesty and the responsibility. i'm takin it--on the cheek. and turn the other one. and take it again.
we're just not going to agree.
but i've got more patience than you do. i've got my armor on.
human. new term for mom. especially applied to me. by mom.
and atleast she remebers what i have.
bill, save me.
she is right about the drinkin. but how could i talk about the substance abuse without it. but that's no reason.
sorry for the pause had to refill my problem sauce.
oh, that's right, you're the internet, you don't notice when i walk away.
i am fragile. but i've got my armor on.
sometimes i forget other people. i don't know if that's her or me.
booze.
you've told me enough.
anger. it mostly comes out through sarcasm.
and do you really care--or am i just your trashcan.
Subway Game
Subway Game--to be posted to Anonymous
Coward's gtd blog
Here's a fun one. Made this up a few years ago with roommate and erstwhile girlfriend down in the 'wack.
First, get yourself a transit map.
We used NYC but anything with multiple lines works--even bus maps.
Then get yourself some pieces. Sure, you can use monopoly pieces, but bottle caps, utensils, toe nail clippings--they all work better. And anything that can get stuck in a todler's mouth works best of all.
Then steal a die from your child's candyland game.
Now comes the important, and fun part.
Get some notecards. Tear them in half if you don't have enough. Write on them instructions.
Start play.
Role die. Move stops. draw card.
Easy as that.
The first to make it to a determinite place (we chose Briant Park) wins.
Making the cards really is the fun part. Who could forget Hipster card 3, the dread Bill Murry card, get outta Brooklyn free, or my personal favorite--Serin Gas Attack! (role 1d6 on a 6 you die).
1d6? Ok, you non gamers. My sixteenth level quarter-goblin will school you: the "normal" die--the one that has six sides, as opposed to the 4 (pyramid) 8 (two pyramids) 12 10, 20 or 100 (yes they make a 100).
Now, off you go to game!
And just for fun, let's release this under the bsd license:
copyright Anonymous Coward Productions--needless to say, he gets nothing for this ltd.
Should you like this game, let me know. Invented all sorts of games while manic. And most of them "get things done." As mom always said, turn it into a game.
Fwd: Is what it is.
Well, if I didn't deserve it initially, then what I've done now retroactively...
Can't bring myself to finish that sentence. Perhaps it's for the best.
Fwd: Just got threw with the therapist
And awe, doesn't he just make you feel better.
By reminding you of your thinly vailed rage.
But hey, it's been trying.
Sorry for the vagueness of the last post. Going through it with the last girlfriend. Just leave it alone...wish I could always remember that one. Ativan, take me away; just not today.
Poverty
For the longest time, I thought gtd was deficient on this one.
Not so.
Just have to make better use of someday maybe lists.
And don't be afraid to put things like eat and pay rent on them.
If you ain't got the funds you can't do it.
And if it comes to eat or buy erasers, eat. You can always steal them from work. After all, that's why we go.
Need to run
I feel like I need to run. But I don't want to... Therefor I need to do a review.
I guess its like cleaning the appartment (which I need to do as well. Long story); I don't feel like leaving until i'm current.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Keep it going
Just listening to David Allen's cds.
how often to review.
You know, no critique intended, but he can be pretty repetitive. But I suppose we all are.
Look at your calendar. Look at your lists. When you need to.
Keep the calendar as your hard schedule: things you do then or not at all.
Review? I go twice a week. Then if I miss one, i've got the other. And I recommend doing it before therapy. Gives you fodder for your bitching.
it's all about the preventive strike. Be on top so those around you are not on top of you.
And incedentally, my boss rocks on this point. May you have one.
you know, I had a daytimer as a kid. Yeah, I was that geek.
but they made so much fun of me I stopped. And started doing drugs. Illeagle ones. Ah self-medication. Every one be their own psychiatrist. If onely dope was covered by insurance.
maintence. That's what it's all about.
But you knew that. As everything I say. Which makes this entertainment, I suppose.
Geek porn.
Make it a ritual. Especially you compulsive ones. Not like the hand washing, but daily, if you have to.
take off the calendar that out of date post...just a reminder to myself. Who's the only one reading this.
Busy trap--i like it.
gtd abt prioritizing? How? three:
strategy: where and what will take you further.
Horizons: altitude map.
Values.
vision.
focus & resposability
finish
well folks, thats's all I got right noe. Best
Hello world!
I'm not really sure what I'm doing.
But a lot has been changing for me these last few months.
I thought I'd post some of them as they come. Maybe it will help someone, maybe it will help me.
I just started being serious about GTD once I came out of a depressive episode.
First I worked at it, now it seems like I can't live without it.
A lot of other things changed as well. My psychiatrist, my meds, my job...
I lost some friends, some girlfriends.
But by and large, it's been a gain: organization, productivity, self-confidence, study habits, money habits, you name it.
Things seem to have turned a certain corner.
I'm curious to see what comes down the road.
But a lot has been changing for me these last few months.
I thought I'd post some of them as they come. Maybe it will help someone, maybe it will help me.
I just started being serious about GTD once I came out of a depressive episode.
First I worked at it, now it seems like I can't live without it.
A lot of other things changed as well. My psychiatrist, my meds, my job...
I lost some friends, some girlfriends.
But by and large, it's been a gain: organization, productivity, self-confidence, study habits, money habits, you name it.
Things seem to have turned a certain corner.
I'm curious to see what comes down the road.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
