feels good man

so, i got re-ups on my tobacco, coffee, food, beer, cash, phone.

that first pull on bud, that first pull on the peter stokkebye, that first text from the phone... starting to feel human again.

reminds me, once heard from a grey beard re:fucking up while teaching, "it humanizes ya"

well, the humiliation of being in a capitalist world, walking up and down the isles of plenty, having a few nickles to scratch together, but amounting to nothing... it humanizes ya. humiliates ya. it's between the two deaths--yes, you're alive, but for all intents and purposes, you're dead.

sort of the inverse of the soviet system.

i found a stash of drugs. kept me like human. only went a couple of days off the meds.

maybe doc and i can talk about abilify.

imagine i will before that hearing friday.

haven't been hitting the ativan, things have cooled since the summer. and it will feel good not to sleep as long as humanly possible.

shit, i could sleep right now.

i know this post's all over the place.

but i got things to do.

another day

as usual, the therapist gave me some things to think about. says i don't deserve this--rings true, no one deserves this. but all to many people live it.

i'm playing games with poverty. i don't have to live like this. resources are available. if i feel like i deserve it.

i wonder when i'll turn it around.

i think a lot about my case on friday. want to say something like:

i'm grateful i even got a chance. but in the grand scheme of things, this is barely a speed bump. i'll get by with or without your help. and you can make this waste of time meaningful by helping me out. the ball's in your court.

i've got nothing but time. and if this road doesn't take me where i want to go, i'll look into other options. i've got the time and it'll be well worth it to feel i've made my best effort. but the real deal is to live well. and i'm already half way there. i've got no ill will towards you people.

never had.

Delivery Confirmation

So, sent off that letter to the president et alii.

We'll see what happens. Not too optimistic. But feels good to move on this, and at least I have my bases covered, should I need it.

Now to find a job, which doesn't look good either.

letter

so i drafted a letter i'm sending to the president of the university.

seems i don't even have to file a grievance, just send a letter asking for a meeting. which doesn't seem to improve the situation or anything.

still, it's a chance to use certified mail!

pleasantly buzzed, latexing

well, i don't mean the plastic kind, if that's right.

i mean document processing. how boring. but if you don't latex, you should.

it's fun.

so, got a call from the rep. no grievance needed. just a letter via certified mail.

well, here goes. fewer words, the better.

so i'll be concise. as opposed to here.

slow day

i know i haven't been posting the way i have been.

can't keep it up forever.

but i guess it's going ok. met with the lawyer today, discussed my grievance. doesn't sound good, but doing it anyway.

he seems cool. thorough. like him. trust him. seems upfront, active.

need to be more like that. have been, lately..

other than than, not much. have a date saturday. looking forward to it.

well, time to sack out.

perhaps more tomorrow.

good morning

first day of freedom.

kind of looking forward to meeting with the lawyer. will be good to start so i can get this out of the way.

glad i thanked everyone. it's a nice feeling.

so will cleaning the apartment. then i really feel like i can begin to feel better--get the files in shape, that sort of thing.

well, better get moving.

if nothing else

i left this job the way that i wanted.

gracious. polite. expressing gratitude. and i fooled at least one person.

and if this union thing goes nowhere, at least i have that.

and if it does, they have some explaining to do.

union does

just talked to my steward... he made a really good point. the best way to really get these guys is get the job back, do good work, pretend nothing happened.

make them regret it.

well, off to lunch. wonder what errands i'll run today.

almost gone

today didn't suck.

got my loan check. work was fine. even did some things.

and made sure i spent plenty of time goofing off.

i think going to the union had a lot to do with it, even if nothing comes of it.

at least i know i tried.

have a good one.

dead man walking

so, made it into work. a little late.

and not too much to do. web ga, who doesn't entirely know what she's doing has picked up some of the slack.

and on my own front, i've gotten in touch with the union, and what do you know--my old buddy mike is in charge of that these days.

excellent.

i hope this works, somewhat. even if i only get a pyrric victory out of this one, it'll be worth it.

and i'll attend no meetings without union representation.