I'm still in pain

I always said I wanted to do this, try and get into the right head space before therapy, but I don't know if my head right now will comply.

I'm going through Lamictal withdrawl. I thought I could just go to the proper pharmacy and get my perscription filled, but it's not that easy. They want me to see a doctor there first.

And the earliest I could see one is this afternoon. So, two days off the sauce.

Still, I have this piece of writing I did after the last round of therapy and I would like to look at it so I can bring it to the therapist but... But nothing. No more or less embarassing than anything else.

I feel numb.

That's one of the perverse benefits of withdrawl, not feeling anything except the lack of drugs. Withdrawl serves its own purposes and escapes.

I spend too much time this way.

Still, the pain I felt the other day was extreem. Prolonged and sharp. And I don't know if I will ever be consoled. Healed.

That would require coming out of my shells--being more authentic more of the time. One of the suprising things that happened to me was this: when I interacted with Bridy or someone else, I was more authentically happy, though bracketed by pain.

I don't know much about this resentful wound at the heart of so much of my experience. I know it's resentful. It resents the idea of explication or glib expressions of consolation. I know it likes to hole up in miserable conditions and pass the time in escapism. I know it likes to express itself alone. Never with others though they sometimes see it.

I can feel some of it now.

It's not like I want to feel this way, but I don't want to sweep it under the rug.

I don't need cosmological comfort. I'm good being alone if only there wasn't so much pain.

I wonder about bringing this up. Where we can go. What that experience will be like.

And how do others deal with this feeling? How do they make it through the day. Through life?