Confessions of a Drug Addict

On my way to the therapist, five days off Lamictal. Not by my choice, really. just drug problems. Ran out and thought I could just pick some more up with the new insurance. Not so simple.

It seems that the new insurance does drugs by mail order. So I'm waiting on the mail for my drugs.

It's absolute torture.

I feel jumpy almost all of the time. I can barely eat. It's like they're's a giant battery within me. And it gets worse if I drink. That charges the battery up.

So, I stay away from drink.

At times, it's tollerable. Sometimes I even forget. And it makes writing easier. I've caught up on some correspondence.

But it takes tremendous energy. Too much, really. Too much energy into control. Keeping sharp, judging when to try certain things and when things might send me into a tailspin.

I'm a drug addict. And I need these drugs to maintain some sort of sanity.

Jumpy. Bouncy. Nausious. Prone to fits of paranoia. Racing thoughts. Anhedonia. Impatience.

The Abilify helps with the racing thoughts. I decided to try going off that for a couple of days. A sort of drug-free holiday. Not a good idea. The racing thoughts got hard to control. Things are easier with it. I see what it does for me. Things are generally quieter.

But not quiet enough.

Things are saner than previous drug-free holidays. I feel like I've made some decisions and worked within certain perameters to help keep safe.

For instance, while drinking I called the suicide hotline. Not that I was feeling suicidal, but I know that drinking off medication can lead me to such things and I know if my judgement is off while drug-free, then "off" doesn't even begin to cover it when I'm drinking. Drinking makes it an entirely new game.

But I'm more impulsive off medication, which, with some caution, isn't the worst thing, I'm afraid to say. While on meds, the caution gets the upper hand. And it turns into inability. I become ponderous, full of doubt. But drug-free, it's no sooner thought than done. I don't have time to doubt a sentence beginning, I'm already at the end and going back would require more than going forward.

But I know I'm avoiding my problems. Avoiding things I should be doing like checking my ballance. Which I may do now, since I'm on my way to therapy.

Maybe things are ok. Maybe not. Still have to do it and it will be good to get support afterwards.

Still I don't want to do it.

Why must everything get so fucked?