One of my problems, and I hate even admitting it here, is that I just don't value myself enough. It comes out here because I don't feel I have anything of value to say. Which isn't true.
I believe anyone's experience is valuable to share--i just don't feel myself included, without making ironic self-effacing comments.
And it comes out in my appartment. It's a wreck and I continue to live in it that way. I'm scared of it.
I pay almost twelve hundred a month and I don't feel like i'm worth that much rent, so I trash it.
I hate my apartment, and I really shouldn't.
It's like I don't feel worthwhile to handle my own problems. That's a little complicated, so let's unpack it.
I am afraid of my problems--that they'll be so intractable I won't be able to handle them on my own. I also don't feel like i'll be able to solve them, and even if I do, i'l cause myself bigger ones later, so why bother now with them.
But imagine a life where I solve problems as they come. Not problem free, but problem solving as they arrive. I'm worth that. I need that.
I want to feel worthy of that kind of life again. I want that life. I don't feel it now, but I want it. Or, I want to want it.
Looking at this post, I come to realize how negative it is. That's the voice of depression speaking, speaking through me. It's powerful, all encompasing.
Yet it is familiar. Feeling this down. Feeling this out.
Just need to get out of myself into another place. I am worth it, as are we all.
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