One is that I have to remind myself that I am worthwhile, inherently. That I am worth having friends and having a life that is satisfying. That I am worth having a clean apartment, for instance.
The other is I am up against a powerful sense of the opposite. Perhaps in early childhood I wasn't made to feel special, and large parts of me still feel that way.
For instance, consider the apartment at the moment. It's a wreck. When I try to talk myself into cleaning it, I focus on the idea it will only take so long and so much effort.
What if I'm trying the wrong self-talk. What if I focused on being worth it. I am worth this, having a better life.
But I'm afraid. Afraid of the message coming through that would say, no you're not. That someone would say such a thing. And that they would be right.
But I've been a passanger, a victim too long within my own life.
It reminds me of that famous Rilke poem, the one that ends "you must change your life."
That's how I feel: I must change my life.
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