I know what i do, and I don't need to tell the therapist about it, I just need to stop doing it.
I get out of therapy, eager for change. I take the train home and read on it. I get home and fire up the computer and waste time either playing juvenile games or interweb pornography.
Hours go by then days go by and I haven't done anything. Left the house, eaten, showered, anything.
It makes me paranoid, it makes me crazy.
Sometimes, like yesterday, I even go off of the drugs.
Why defies me.
So I can take them again and feel like I'm doing something good for me?
I just cut my fingernails. It feels so good, to type without having nails in the way and they were so dirty--been rolling cigarettes from the snubbed out butts in the trashcan. Makes the hands dirty. But why do I deny myself the pleasure of having clean hands, which is a pleasure. Makes typing easier.
Why?
For those few moments when I'm playing my games or surfing the pornography, I'm not myself. I don't have my own problems and I don't feel the way I usually do. I'm not afraid. And the lure of escaping, even for a moment, even when I know that I'll only feel more depressed when I come back and see how much time I've wasted--even that escape is preferable to the pain, I suppose, I'm feeling right now.
I'm trying to be honest here without beating myself up, because that is another escape. Blaming myself into inaction.
Things are difficult right now.
And I'm not helping them.
Just sitting here, trying to do a sustained thing is hurting me. I'm out of practice.
This is going to ramble.
I know no one is going to read it, but it helps, somehow, to write it out in public. I've never been terribly good at journaling. I feel like I've got nothing to say. But I know I can say it well. Sometimes.
Maybe having something to say, or feeling that way, is better than saying something well, if you want to say anything at all.
Last summer, I was so low. I starved myself and lost a great deal of weight for someone who weighs as little as I do.
Now I weigh too much. Inactivity with poor eating habits. Poor habits all together. I smoke too much, spend too much time wasting time. I'm trying to gear myself up to shower and shave.
I have to go out today.
Showered, shaved, cut the fingernails and toenails. I feel slightly human again. If only I did this every morning. Yet when you do, you no longer notice the lift it gives you. But that lift's still there, like the lift I feel from taking my medication. It allows me to do this.
But I'm afraid to stop typing. Afraid that if I do, then all will stop again--that I'll just sink into a morass of inaction once again. Evolution, not revolution.
Still the urge, it comes again, to ... not procrastinate, escape. That's the word. Instead, let my fingers crawl like spiders across the keyboard. Let the meaningful and meaningless come through as they like, meaningless and meaningful as each likes. Let good and bad be good and bad, let each have its time and each have its way.
But not escape. Let's face it, escape is an addiction. I'm addicted to escaping. The cause of and solution to all life's problems.
The easy stuff done--drugs, food (peanut butter by the spoonful) and grooming; it only gets harder from here.
Logging, web longing. Weblonger.
Not quite sure I'm up for taking down the recycling, yet. Took out the trash and that's a good start. Maybe dishes.
In a way, I wish I weren't going out today. So I can work piecemeal on these little home projects. Feels good. Taking care of little things, clutter, dishes, grooming. I feel like a human again, but the problems don't go away. Still have to work, still have to look for work.
But at least I'm not waiting until I have to go to therapy to work. Doing it a good twenty hours or so before that.
Well, I've reached the limit on my prescription drug coverage. No more free drugs for me.
Random. That's what this post is. Random.
Calling Bristol-Myers Squibb for assistance paying for Abilify. It doesn't sound good. I have had very limited prescription drug coverage, but it seems any amount will disqualify me.
Oh well. It's worth a shot. Shooting for anything these days.
Trying to get up the nerve to RSVP to the Apple hiring event. Or fill out the Abilify form. Probably should take an Ativan, since I seem to be blocked on these fronts.
Well, registered with Apple and downloaded the form for Abilify. That's something, and it's almost time to go out. Just one more cigarette. And if it's not raining, I'm good to go.
And I don't know what to do with myself meantime.
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