i can't tell you how down i feel

it's not like a normal down.

it's like there's nothing there. no drive to do anything, no pleasure in life. aside from butter, which always provides pleasure--though momentary.

but everything else--reading, writing, seeing friends--all for naught.

so what. that's what i think, so what. and i can feel the gears grind to a hault. if i just stop for a minute, it turns into hours.

alcohol helps, helps break me free, for a moment. but i know there's a price to pay.

depression.

maybe the psychopharmacologists don't take the opposite of inhibition--habition, maybe--seriously. maybe it's a condition that drugs could help.

all about drugs these days, why the fuck not, i'm a drug addict. just my drugs are more expensive.

angry, yes.

still and all, there's very little pleasure in this life.