bored

I've decided to take today off from work. Seems to go better the earlier I start.

I don't know, just not into it. And when you're working for yourself, it's easy to give yourself a day off.

So bored. Don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I felt inspired to write something, but I don't.

No reading, no writing make Coward go crazy.

Absence

Doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. What can I say--I could say I've been busy, but that'd be a lie.

I went away with the family around Christmas and it was surprisingly stress free--aside from the travel.

Schoolwork is going better. I've been reading in blocks. Twenty to thirty minutes on and then a break. Got it from The Now Habit--a pretty good book on procrastination.

My system is in shambles. Haven't gotten back on that horse in a while. Been concentrating on schoolwork and school admin stuff. What a pain.

Sorry this post sucks. Just trying to get back into the habit.

Working

This dividing hours into twenty minute blocks seems to be working. Tuesday, I got 2:20, Wednesday 2:40, and already today I've logged 2:20.

If I can push it out another couple of blocks, I can hit three hours, my goal for today.

Knot

I've been drinking, and I feel that's ok to say because it's one of my concerns here.

It is what it is. Now I'm closing my eyes. And just typing as it comes out. Feeels good man.

I feel tight, and not in the nineteen fifties way of tight as drunk. Tight as my chest is tight... Over what? Posting on a blog? Anonymously?

Tight. As in pain. As in a knot. sitting in the middle of my chest. When it tightens up, it keeps me from doing the kinds of things I know I can do. This damned knot. Gordion. Or gordian. Knot sure.

Dreams of cutting. Others of cutting the knot. But it seems like unwinding is best. But how to?

Mail anxiety

I don't know why it causes me so much anxiety, but after a few days away, I can't bear to check the mail.

Have whole piles of it.

Ugh.

Ativan, take me away.

New thing

So, i'm trying this old trick I learned in a procrastination book.

Twenty minutes on, uninterrupted. Mark them. Ten minutes off.

Did two and a half hours yesterday. Got twenty minutes today.

at least i'm moving.

Small steps.

Let's get moving, after this cigarette

I need to change up. Move faster.

I'm tired of this but afraid to go on.

Therapist says the demons will be there, procrastination or not.

Well, at least I'm not alone.

A little bit every day

I'm frustrated and scared, but I'll bet that beats being bored.

I'm trying to do some things every day in three areas: health, money and school.

Health: refilling my meds today

Money: paying rent

School: return library books

Then, maybe I'll pay a fine and register soon.

It sucks cleaning up your own messes, but better now than later.

If I can attack these three fronts, maybe things will get better.

entering the new year, no system, feeling lethargic

I don't feel like doing anything. Not a thing. Not even writing this.

Running or review would be nice. Wonder if they'll happen.

I suppose this doesn't make for good reading.

Last night, the liquor store guy wished me a happy new year and I was surprised how touching it was.

Maybe because he's the only one who did.

I need to make new friends.