Time

Well, I wasted another day yesterday.

And am trying to make up for it today.

Who knows. Maybe I'll even go to the library, see the concrete lions.

God knows, I have enough to do.

This sucks

I feel so terrible.

In some ways, worse than when I lost the job.

But really, I should be happy.

I tried.

Both the job and getting it back. Really, I did nothing wrong. If someone else did what I did, I'd be happy for them.

But I feel so ashamed of myself. And so guilty.

I feel like someone hit me.

Not a good experience when I'm about to go and disclose my madness to my advisor.

Grievance denied

Well, a while back I filed a greivance for loosing my job without warning.

I lost.

Should have prepaired myself for opening that letter. Shouldn't have read as much as I did.

I never had much hope. But it still hurts.

Looks like I'll quit drinking another day.

Where to begin

I frequently feel this way.

I've updated the system and now I'm directionless.

What to do now.

It's all laid out for me, but anxiety about a beginning.

Well, I suppose I should just start.

Support

Hi all.

I went to a bipolar support group in Manhattan.

Wow.

My head was spinning after I left.

Good people. Both supportive and scary. If that's the future, I'm in trouble.

But it was nice to hear other people's problems. And nice to hear I wasn't alone with my own problems.

Some were very intense.

I feel a little awkward talking about specifics, because it's other people's lives here. Maybe I'll just leave it alone.

Hey

Know I haven't updated in a while.

Stay tuned.

Hey

Know I haven't updated in a while.

Stay tuned.

How much of this is on me

You know how alcoholism and obesity have genetic components.

But behavior--i mean, if you never drink, you're not an alcoholic, no matter your genes?

And if you make a real effort, your weight problem will not be as bad as if you have the same genes and eat at mcdonalds all your life.

Does bipolar work the same way?

If I had tried earlier to have better mental health. Had not taken acid. Worked harder in therapy.

I don't know... Not acted as crazy, would I be where I am today?